Valentine’s Day is huge at DeVry, thanks to online greeting cards, the heart emoji, and other free, pointless internet shit that the bitches eat up. You can get a DeVry gal to (Google) hang out with you on Valentine’s Day with extremely minimal effort. It’s great. I once got a video chat OTPHJ from some chick solely from the AIM pickup line, “My MacBook must have Windows because I can see you undressing on my computer screen in a few hours after my Skype unfreezes.” True story.
For those of you not fortunate enough to go to the most prestigious for-profit institution of higher learning in North America — and thus actually having to try on Valentine’s Day — I’ve compiled a list of Total Valentine’s Day Frat Moves for you. Check ‘em out.
- Eating a box of chocolates. NVDF. Munching box. TVDFM.
- Doing a line of crushed up candy hearts. TVDFM.
- ValenTinder’s Day. TVDFM.
- Dressing up as Cupid and shooting arrows at the pledges. TVDFM.
- Asking girls, “Will you be mine?” with no intention of being theirs in return. TVDFM.
- Making your Valentine’s Day mixer Fifty Shades of Grey themed. TVDFM.
- Stuffing your Valentine mailbox with incredibly sexualized Valentines that you wrote yourself. TVDFTC.
- Giving her flowers and then deflowering her. TVDFM.
- This guy. TVDFM.
- Taking the label sheet out of a Whitman’s Sampler and making the peanut allergy pledge pick a random chocolate and eat it. TVDFM.
- Secret admirers. NVDF. Shameless starers. TVDFTC.
- Making sure nobody gives any Valentines to the ugliest sorority on campus. TVDFM.
- Popping chocolate-covered cherries. TVDFM.
- Making sure your Valentine hates “made up, corporate holidays” so you have an excuse to not get her anything. TVDFM.
- Inserting your D(ay) into her V(alentine’s). TVDFM.
- Not having a Valentine until the bar closes at 2 a.m. the morning after Valentine’s Day. TVDFM.
- Giving a girl a heart-shaped box of chocolates with a card that reads, “Life is like a box of chocolates: I’m going to take both away from you if you won’t be my Valentine.” It’s a TVDFM..