You want girls. I know how to get girls. Do you even know how many I’ve had sex with? Five. (I count Becky Rosenbauser twice — before and after the back brace.)
Now, you too can pull like a tractor covered in Axe body spray. I’ve scoured the web, found the best advice from the biggest macdaddies in the game, and compiled a list of even more tricks of the player trade that are guaranteed to get you some. Pretty soon, you’ll be taming more ass than a guy who works at a petting zoo. (Get it? Because donkeys.)
Today’s lesson: How to be mysterious. Turn your cell phones off, face the front of the classroom, and shut the fuck up.
Girls like guys who exude an air of mystery. It challenges them to dig deeper, to reveal a side of you that only a select few people have seen.
According to Simple Pickup, the scientific term for putting a woman in a place that makes her hungry to know more is known as putting her in an “Intrigue Hole,” which is a flawless metaphor that isn’t creepy at all.
Simply, the Intrigue Hole is when you crave to know what you’re missing, have a huge assumption that what you’re missing out on is a good thing, and you’re wondering how you can see or view this good thing again.
But how do you spark up enough mystery to lure an unsuspecting woman into the cavernous depths of your “Intrigue Hole”?
- Wear a massive trench coat when you hit the bars. She won’t know what’s under there, but she’ll be dying to find out.
- Wear sunglasses, too. It is important to remain unreadable in the game of poke-her.
- Post up in a dark corner of the bar by yourself.
- When an attractive woman comes within earshot, mutter things that evoke the thrill of mystery. Things like, “I don’t have a clue who killed Mrs. Peacock with a letter opener in the study.”
- After piquing her interest with your mysterious behavior, hand her a drink. “What’s in this?” she’ll ask. Don’t ruin the mystery by telling her it’s just a cranberry vodka. Instead, reply, “I don’t know, babe, but wouldn’t you like to find out?”
- When in the middle of a date, look at your phone with an expression of urgency, tell her, “I have to go,” then run out of there as fast as possible.
- Wear a cape and mask. Crouch on the ledge of a building. Look down on the people below passing by with brooding contemplation.
- Break into her house and steal random shit. Leave behind clues in the form of catchy riddles. For example, if you nab her TV, leave a note that says, “You watch me like your admirer’s been watching you. If you want me back, you’ll have to find the next clue.” If you take her cat, say something like, “You’re the purr-fect owner. Hats off. Take a bow. Check the litter box for the next clue — do it right meow!”
- When in public, inspect things with a magnifying glass.
- Write deep, heavy poems about nighttime and sorrow but share them with no one.
- Stand in the rain next to a vintage Cadillac and smoke cigarettes.
Follow these mysterious tricks, and you’ll barely be able to fit all the girls trapped in your “Intrigue Hole.”.