A SORORITY HOUSE NEAR YOU—So. Two weeks ago, as I was busy ridding my life of all traces of Christmas by helping my mom take down the decorations (aka watching her take down the decorations while I sat on the couch texting) and bagging up the leftover Christmas cookies to take back to my sisters (aka eating all of the leftover Christmas cookies by myself), I realized something: it’s winter. Shit. Winter is like the Nickelback of seasons: dull, annoying, and right when it comes on you wish you could fast forward to the next song. For me the months of January, February, and the early part of March usually consist of spending days on end in bed watching trashy VH1 dating show marathons, eating my poor little heart out, and only venturing to class, chapter, or the bars about as often as a Kardashian steps into a library. (Thank God my mother gave me the metabolism of a small Chinese infant, because otherwise I’d be looking like every cohost of The View except Elisabeth right about now.) Sure, in three short months we’ll all be lounging on tropical beaches and drinking until the Mexican bellhops at our resorts are attractive enough to hook up with, but until then we’ve gotta beat the winter blues. (Or the winter ceruleans, I should say, because blue is such a drab color on my skin tone.) Here’s how I’m gonna do it:
Above all, the most important thing I have to look forward to this winter is this: BRITNEY’S BACK, BITCHES. The Princess of Pop has decided to take her throne once again, and if her new song Hold It Against Me is any indication, I will be getting wasted to her forthcoming album until at least this summer, and most likely for years to come after that. From the not-so-innocent Hit Me Baby One More Time days, to the slutty Toxic days, to the crazy days where she put on that pink wig and then got strapped to a gurney, Brit Brit has always been the baddest bitch in my eyes. News of her comeback has shined light into my cold winter like a four-carat cushion-cut Tiffany into a light blue box. Besides Britney, there’s a few other winter offerings as well: Ke$ha’s got some new stuff out too, who, for anyone living in Siberia lately (or just GDIs who only listen to weird indie music), can best be described as Britney’s drunker, sluttier little sister who is kind of annoying but who everyone likes having around anyway because she’s such a mess that she makes you feel better about yourself. Rumor has it that Lady Gaga has an album coming out soon, but the only thing I have to say about that is that I will most likely immediately claim I hate all of her songs, and then secretly download the whole album onto my iTunes. After all, we’re only as good as our secrets are juicy.
Of course, one can never forget the most reliable winter activities: good ole TV and movies. Everyone’s favorite filthy pleasure Jersey Shore is –don’t judge- pretty hilarious this season, with a new pint-sized companion for Snooki to cause trouble and get fall-on-her-face drunk with. Pretty Little Liars is a crazy, over-the-top mess, which obviously means I’m watching, and loving. And of course we can’t forget the Greatest Show on Earth, aka Gossip Girl- it’ll be out in a few weeks, and you know I’ll be there with my sisters, laughing and crying and crying laughing at whatever cracked-out Indian headdress Vanessa decides to wear for the premiere. As for movies, you CANNOT go wrong with Country Strong. I mean, when one movie contains Blair Waldorf, a sexed-up Garrett Hedlund, and a washed-up country singer acting like a drunken mess and having multiple onstage breakdowns, you know you’re in for one hell of a good time. I’m sure some other movies are coming out between now and April, but for me, Gwyneth is all that matters.
It goes without saying that online shopping is an integral part of the winter experience. After all, nobody wants to leave the house to pick up some backup leggings while looking like Seth Rogen’s long-lost sister, right? ShopBob is a reliable good time, Ruelala has been showing some pretty good offerings lately, and for those of you with access to your Fratdaddy’s (or just your plain-old-daddy’s) black AmEx , Net-A-Porter is the gold standard of virtual spending sprees.
Most importantly, the best and most fabulous way to beat the winter blues is by following our Twitter (@SororityProblem). Hopefully we’ll keep you entertained on those long, drab days when it’s snowing or sleeting outside and you have nothing to do but watch Housewives and try to resist the gravitational pull coming from the pint of Ben and Jerry’s in your freezer. And hell- if all else fails, just do what you do with your Fratdaddy half the time anyway, and fake it. Slather on some Tropicana, grab a glass of white wine, slip into our best La Perla bikini, and head for the local tanning salon. If anyone asks where you got the tan, just say you went to Miami for the weekend- because after all, we’re only as good as our secrets are juicy.