Back in August, I listed off the hottest girls of TV commercials. Now that we’ve had a chance to sufficiently test the waters of this fall’s prime time talent, I think some more judging is in order.
There’s really no hierarchy here, it’s basically a nine-way tie for second because I’m saving the best for last. Hear that Dave? The best for last. So don’t just cop out after reading the first couple, husband of Brooklyn Nine-Nine’s Melissa Fumero. I want your undivided attention. (Dave and I are best buds – I told him his wife is an utter babe and he probably doesn’t like me very much now.)
Now, for the runner-ups:
Tatiana Maslany as “Sarah Manning” in Orphan Black
Tatiana. Tah-TEE-AH-na. God your name is sexy, but what really does it for me is the British accent. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t watch your show, save for the first few episodes, but I heard you won an award for it, so congratulations on that. You see, the main character you play, we’ll call her Orphan, was hot. She pretends to be a chick who died so she can cash in on the dead chick’s cash. It ends up backfiring and somehow we meet a bunch of clones, one of which has dreads or some other kind of hair disease. That’s why I stopped watching. I hate dreads. Keep on doing your thing, though, Orphan. I hope you find your parents.
Janina Gavankar as “Shivakamini Somakandarkram” in The League
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But she’s in True Blood, too!” Yeah, well I don’t care, because I’m not a 27-year-old girl moonlighting as a slam poet and is misunderstood-by-men/just ugly. Thus, I do not watch said show about vampires. Halloween is over, kids.
I know what else you might be thinking: “You’re mentioning Shiva over Jenny—and Ruxin’s wife?” Well first off, how do you know they’re not simply further down the list? Second off, well, they’re not. Honestly, Jenny is way too ‘Look at me, I’m one of the bros! I play fantasy football!’ for my male appendage’s liking. As for Sofia, well… long story short, one time I started dating a Mexican because I thought she was Indian, and putting Shiva over Sofia is my chance to reconcile that mistake. (God I hope she reads this.) Plus, I mean c’mon. Shiva is a urologist; she knows her way around down there. She has a league’s trophy (and chant) dedicated to her deistic likeness and, oh crap… I just remembered she totally bangs Andre. Krishnadamn it, Shiva. You fucked a gap-toothed idiot and completely delegitimized my argument.
Diane Kruger as “Sonya Cross” in The Bridge
Absolute babe? Check. Emotionally unattached? Check. Knows how to shoot a gun? Check. Helps to kill Nazi’s in Inglourious Basterds (sic)? Definite check. Kruger plays a grade A weirdo in The Bridge, but I’ll be damned if that doesn’t add to her appeal. I’d definitely leave a girlfriend for her. I’ve had crazier.
Kaley Cuoco as “Penny” on The Big Bang Theory
Do I have to defend this choice? Yes, yes I do, because The Big Bang Theory is a god awful show. A god awful show that I happen to find mildly entertaining, which I hate myself for. I blame it on Kaley Cuoco’s ass; probably what killed John Ritter, God bless his soul.
Megan Boone as “Elizabeth Keen” in The Blacklist
Perhaps it’s just my love for James Spader sublimating it’s way to Megan Boone in order to prevent what might have been more or less a homoerotic tendency, or perhaps I really do love “Elizabeth Keen” for who she, and she alone, is. Foxy and naïve; it’s a sacred duality. Though, if a major plot twist ends up revealing that Spader’s character is her biological father or some shit, I would run for the exit like my life depended on it. Because, well, my life probably would depend on it. Spader is intimidatingly sexy as fuck.
Sofia Vergara, Julie Bowen and Sarah Hyland as “Gloria,” “Claire” and “Haley,” respectively, on Modern Family
Unlike with The League, I felt all three women of Modern Family were deserving of mention here. So naturally I stripped them of their independence and have dubbed them “Glarey,” which also happens to perfectly describe the look that any feminist reading this would send my way. Starting with Claire Dunphy, let’s just say golf balls weren’t the only thing Adam Sandler was hitting in Happy Gilmore. Enter Julie Bowen, a woman for whom time refuses to tick, and a frontrunner to replace Sarah Palin as hottest American GILF one day. Next we have Gloria, who makes the grade because of her boobies. Lastly, we have Haley. Though, perhaps I should be justifying her not by her character but as Sarah Hyland, (who happens to be turning 23 this month) so get off my ass about her being too young. Hyland became legal over a year and a half earlier than Kate Upton. If that doesn’t blow your mind, do so with a shotgun. Hyland’s a bombshell any way you cut the deck, and I’d respect the hell out of Justin Verlander if he made the change over to brunettes, starting with her.
Olivia Munn as “Sloan Sabbith” on The Newsroom
I’ve never seen the show. I wouldn’t dare watch Jeff Daniels portray anyone other that Harry Dunne, but I was advised to check out Olivia Munn at the behest of @RecruitChairTSM and I’m sure glad I did. Munn is like a hotter version of that April Ludgate chick from Parks and Rec, played by Aubrey Plaza, and being that good ol’ P&R is not currently on the air, Sloan Sabbith makes for a great replacement slam on this list. From what I gather, Sabbith is not a misspelled Jewish term but instead an anchorwoman. You’d never have to worry about her trying to not wear makeup, no matter what time of day. L’chayim! I’m sold.
Nasim Pedrad of Saturday Night Live
I’ll admit it. I’ve got a thing for ethnic girls. I recently read that from an evolutionary standpoint, there are numerous benefits to be had for offspring with greater ethnic diversity. So get with the program, racists. Nasim Pedrad is a total fox, and well worth the extra surveillance I’m likely netting myself with repeated Arabic-sounding Google searches. Plus, she’s funny maybe?
Meghan Markle as “Rachel Zane” on Suits
I spent so long trying to decide on which photo to use here and it wasn’t going anywhere, so finally I just went with the worst one I could find. Yep, above is the worst picture of Meghan Markle you can find online. She is a goddess amongst women. I’d last longer in the ring with Pacquiao than I would with this chick in bed. As for trying to watch the show she’s in… that takes the cake for shortest allotted time. What’s the premise of Suits, anyway? Two look-alike douchebags dressed in—wait for it—suits hang out with that rat-faced sadist from Hostel? Shit, getting your eyeballs blowtorched until they ooze yellow puss down your face isn’t looking so bad anymore.
Now that I’ve got that image in your head, this next one will be that much more appreciated:
Numero Uno: Melissa Fumero a.k.a “Detective Amy Santiago” on Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Intending this strictly as a compliment, I think NWA had it right when they said fuck the police. Goddamn, if my religion allowed Cubans to be angels, I’d say you were one walking amidst us, Melissa. When I first watched Brooklyn Nine-Nine I kept thinking of how lucky Andy Samberg (and that one dude from Superbad) were that they got to work alongside you all season. Then one day I found out you were a taken woman. I stayed in bed for two days crying; not from hearing you were married, coincidentally my dog was struck by a car that same day. But don’t get me wrong, I was still pretty bummed about you not being single, too.
No, I don’t know why only your section has been written as a direct address. Maybe it’s because I’m still crossing my fingers that your husband shows this to you. Maybe it’s because I then hope you read it and… *earmuffs, Dave* …end up absolutely loving it. Maybe it’s because then after that, I’m holding out that you’ll tell Dave it’s over and then hit my ass up on Twitter. Am I asking too much, Melissa? I mean, this column took me like two hours to write. The least you could do is DM me your number, or perhaps a seductive Snapchat. Alright fine, I’ll settle for a follow. On the real though, Dave, your wife has got such an incredible glow to her face that I bet she regularly sees her reflection on matte finishes. And, all jokes aside, I honestly gotta say nice pull, man.