‘Twas the night before Finals, and all through the house
Not an Adderall was wasted as I unfastened her blouse.
I was flaccidly hung without pants, without care,
As she begged me “Please, don’t aim in my hair.”
My alarm sat unset and my eyes bloodshot red,
As other students blew amphetamines straight to their heads.
Too drunk to pay heed to her moans, clearly fake,
I jackhammered and finished our minute-long study break.
Not being one to cuddle after a slam waxes my lumber,
I put on my pants and gave her a six-digit number.
Out of my bedroom I fled, but before I escaped,
I assured her I had to go return some videotapes.
Like a pregnant teen mother, down the stairwell I flew
To the bank of exams, some old and some new.
When into the foyer came a super senior with beer,
“Let’s go to the bar, unless you’re some kind of queer.”
The dust on the bottle was wiped and we drank
As we scurried off to the watering hole to fight and meet skanks.
In the alley I puked with only three blocks to go,
“Fuck it, I’d rather boot and rally than study OrGo.”
A bum dressed in rags screamed as we emptied our bladders,
For when we wrote our names on the wall, on his face it did splatter.
Remorseless of his plight, we stepped inside of Rick’s,
There were many bosoms in this bar, and only a handful of dicks.
“Hey, bar-keep! Bring whiskey! Bring shark bowls and gin!
On my tab! On his tab! ‘til I get the spins!
My nostrils are red and blue, so be quick and be fast!
So at least I’ll be hammered when bio makes me bleed from my ass!”
As we guzzled down pitchers and fueled our fermented diet,
The geeds in the library sat in a cargo-laden quiet.
Fantasizing about grades and other misguided feats,
Their noses free from stimulants, they sat giddily in their seats.
“The test is tomorrow! Those Greeks don’t have a clue!
For three months we’ve studied as those hounds pounded booze!
We’ll sit here memorizing formulas until we can’t stand,
Then we’ll get a four point, and make love to our hands!”
A mischievous grin grew on the face of a pledge sitting nearby,
He thought “I’d rather buttchug Franzia than be a GDI.
While they sit there and slander, I’ll show them who’s retarded,”
So he pulled off his pants and in their faces, he farted.
The gas from his starfish caused gags and dry heaves
As the nerds collapsed in their chairs like Christopher Reeve.
Defeated and dejected, the only words they could muster,
“I can’t believe one day we’ll be working for that freshman crop duster.”
And as the geeds hit the books and sorority girls napped,
The wisest men of them all toasted to their victory lap.
For life is too short to spend college days sober
Why graduate in four when there’s football in October?
So here’s to Christmas break and a month without class,
To test banks and “fish tanks” that get us free ass.
Cheers to the procrastinators, and cheers to the ambitious
Happy finals week to all, and good luck, you sons of bitches.