Bronson Pelletier plays a werewolf in the hit Mormon vampire film series Twilight. His character probably has a name, but I don’t care what that name is. I don’t care what that name is the same way Bronson Pelletier doesn’t care about where it is, and isn’t appropriate to whip out his penis and start peeing. An airport, Mr. Pelletier, is not one of those places.
But Bronson Pelletier did not understand that an airport is not an appropriate place to expose yourself and begin micturating, because he was blackout shitfaced drunk. Bronson Pelletier was the kind of drunk you only see two sorts of people get. The first sort of person is the seasoned problem drinker with severe emotional and behavioral issues that tend to manifest themselves when said drinker reaches blackout. The second sort of person is a total pussy.
I’m assuming that despite Pelletier’s chiseled, Limited Too panty wetting werewolf abs, he probably falls under the latter category. There’s not a lot of time for drinking (or acting classes for that matter) when a movie studio forces you to work out 10 hours a day, 7 days a week, until your film series ends, at which point they will inform you that you can “go crawl into a gutter in the Valley and die you less attractive Taylor Lautner!”
Why was Pelletier completely fucking hammered at a random airport in the middle of the day? Does there really need to be a reason? I don’t judge a man for when he drinks, just what and how he drinks. While I don’t know what Bronson Pelletier was drinking, holy fuck did he do a bad job of drinking whatever that was.
Thankfully a Good Samaritan at the airport was kind enough to film Bronson Pelletier’s public urination episode, which I have to say is far and away the best work of his career.
While I don’t feel like posting any sub-Pattinson Twilight actor’s penis on this website (give it a rest with the angry late night emails Peter Facinelli, nobody wants to see it), I do feel compelled to break down the incident frame by frame, if only because it is a glorious example of how not to be drunk.
We start off with the classic blind sway. It’s clear that Pelletier has been drinking for a while, and way over his head. Listen pal, I know five shots doesn’t sound like a lot, and you think you’re a hardass because you work out a bunch, but the fact of the matter is that you probably have the alcohol tolerance of a 12-year-old diabetic girl. You tried to look cool and drink a lot, and now, even if the incident ended right here, you look like an even bigger tool than you do at your day job, being the out of focus guy flexing forty feet behind Kristen Stewart’s bitten lip.
Thaaaaat’s right. Walk away. You need to get out of there buddy. Even drunk drivers still know how to get home, it’s just a matter of getting there…
YOU FOOL! Don’t go back! You have nothing to prove! Alright, well actually you have a lot to prove, because you’re the Twilight star that fat, pre-teen girls who have already learned to lower their standards lust after in lieu of Taylor Lautner.
Aaaaaaand out of nowhere, here comes the penis. At this point Pelletier is lucky that there weren’t any actual Twilight fan girls nearby, because they would have lept at that werewolf ween like, well, like a rabid werewolf, and Pelletier would have been taken in on twenty counts of “statch,” as they call it on the Twilight set.
Also, apparently Pelletier is an “over the fence” guy, which is madness. Through the gate all the way, but then again maybe he has long balls?
Now he’s peeing.
Still peeing, it’s a powerful stream.
Still going, even with a hand on his shoulder.
Here comes airport security. Holy shit this guy drank a lot.
TAKEN DOWN! If only they had slammed him into his own piss puddle. Still less degrading than being in the film Vampires Suck.
That’s that. Pelletier is helplessly cuffed by airport security and soon to be dragged away to airport jail, which is just like real jail, except in there it’s the guards who are up your ass.
If you’d like to watch the entire video, and by God you really should, you can find it here:
And that, friends, is how not to get drunk. Don’t go to a strange place, by yourself, and proceed to outdrink your capacity, which for Pelletier is definitely less than 10 shots. The only people who do that are lonely alcoholics (not super cool alcoholics with lots of friends, like us!) and hobos.
Images via YouTube