At a certain point in a young man’s life fireworks become more fun to shoot at other people than they are to look at in the sky. That age is roughly nine and a half. From there it only gets more enjoyable, especially once alcohol becomes involved.
“It’s all of the fun with less of the pain!”
This was no different with members of Sigma Alpha Epsilon and Phi Kappa Tau at Miami University.
Early Monday morning the two fraternities were engaged in a harrowing fireworks battle, exchanging salvos of bottle rockets, Roman candles, and God knows what else, to drunkenly defend the honor of their brotherhoods.
An unnamed witness claimed that, when challenged to surrender by his Phi Tau opponent, an SAE loudly and drunkenly retorted, “I have not yet begun to frat yet!”
When authorities arrived, responding to the fire alarm that had gone off in SAE, they reported seeing fireworks being shot out of the third floor window of the Phi Tau house. Witnesses reported to the officers that both fraternities had been launching fireworks at each other.
When confronted, both fraternities refused to cooperate with police, who were forced to obtain search warrants to enter the fraternity houses.
Although no official cause for the fireworks battle has been given, many speculate that one of the fraternities probably took offense to other house being “huge fags.” No doubt the fraternity that was initially attacked responded in kind, if not out of self defense, then because they perceived the offending fraternity to be “totally gay.”
When police entered the fraternity houses to confiscate the rest of their festive arsenals, they found more than they were looking for.
In addition to finding fireworks, both exploded and unexploded, inside the houses, Oxford authorities allegedly found what Varley described as “a pretty significant amount of marijuana” and paraphernalia. Police were doing an inventory of the confiscated items on Monday.
Sgt. Jon Varley of the Oxford Police Department stated that there would be “lots of charges coming down from us and the fire department. The investigation is still going on. It’s far from over at this point.”
Apparently while waiting for the police to obtain their warrants no one saw fit to hide the weed.
However, despite the apparent narcotics trouble, Sgt. Varley was most concerned about the potential for a more dangerous situation, which thankfully did not occur, and the apathy for which the members of both fraternities had in regards to that potential. One fire department official said, “There was definitely a real fear of starting a fire.”
“It seems minor until something tragic happens,” Varley pointed out. “How many of these kids might have been passed out? And if (the fireworks inside the houses) had ignited, how many might never have woken up?”
The answer to “how many of the guys would have woken up” is probably a lot closer to zero than Sgt. Varley would like to know. Sleeping through fire alarms, or most noises really, is a skill quickly acquired and not easily lost when living in a fraternity house. The real question is, what if the fireworks had ignited the weed!?! Then the entire country would have been privileged to witness what essentially amounts to a real life deleted scene from the movie How High.
But fraternity house fires aren’t necessarily a laughing matter, even if they’re started in a manner as hilarious as a weed and booze fueled fireworks battle. There have been several fires in the last few years that destroyed chapter houses and were close to being even more tragic than that. Thankfully nothing like that happened here.
I think most fraternity guys can attest that they’ve been involved in fireworks related hijinks at their chapter houses in the past. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thrown a few firecrackers at a guy passed out on a toilet because I needed to take a shit at four in the morning…and because it was really, really funny.
Also be thankful that Miami’s Delta Tau Delta chapter wasn’t involved, lest this whole thing somehow be related to Paul Ryan, to desperately make him look like a dick or something. That would be truly awful.
- [via Dayton Daily News]
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