Every chapter has their fair share of alumni that come around the house. It’s part of being bonded eternally by brotherhood that we can still feel so connected to people we’ve never actually met. Whether it is once a year, once a week, or once a decade, most every alumnus will come around the house offering their own brand of “wisdom” and a unique, entertaining set of stories. This is a list of the different types of alumni who visit the house, and what to expect with each one.
The “Local” Alumnus
This guy is the perfect example of what happens when a brother decides to hold out on making the move to the real world for as long as possible. He could be pushing paper at a local bullshit law firm, serving as a graduate member of your alumni council, or even serving up cheap wells at the watering hole. Whatever the hell he is still doing in your college town, chances are he’s betting that a little more post-grad raging will help unscramble his career compass and eventually make it point north. Whenever there is some sort of “brotherhood event,” he will be there to make sure everything runs the way it did back when he was pledging. Oh, there’s a social tonight? You can always count on the local alumnus to make an appearance because, frankly, he doesn’t have anything better to do on a Wednesday night but creep on girls that were still in middle school when he first stepped foot on campus. All in all, this guy is just the genetically altered mutant-freak version of a super senior.
The Middle Management Fratter
It’s Friday morning, the trash from the party the night before has yet to be cleaned, and the sun is doing that god awful thing where it decides to shine right in your face three hours before you plan on waking up. All of a sudden, a 30-rack is tossed into your loft that lands square on your morning wood. “It’s time to party motherfucker.” You roll over, and who else could it be? It’s the alumnus who has a job, a steady flow of cash, and a crew of subordinates to do his work while he takes a long weekend to visit the frat castle once a month. He came in on Thursday night, drank more than you, and quite possibly never went to sleep. An early morning run to the gas station for more booze and a 5-Hour Energy has this frighteningly proficient drinker ready to rage another day. When this guy comes to town, it’s always a party. 9-5 isn’t something he has gotten used to quite yet, and he has more pent up steam to blow off than Tiger Woods at a Hooters sponsored publicity tour. He will be buying you shots all night, you will be taking them, and an inordinate number of bad decisions will be made. This is all because he doesn’t really know what to do with the thousands of extra dollars a year he isn’t spending on a wife and kids. He is stuck in fratstar-adult limbo. He has the rage of a senior, but the responsibility of an adult. God help whoever put this kid in charge of another group of human beings in a business environment.
The Sensible Adult
Apparently everything this alumnus learned about raising hell during his undergrad years was erased while he brownnosed his way up the corporate ladder. He took the generic “stand by your chapter” part of the of the creed a little too seriously, and now he feels like his wealth of knowledge about how he thinks the world actually works will be applicable to a bunch of adolescents determined to drink and fuck like it is going out of style. He’ll come by for a tailgate or big party once a semester just to take a look around and be somewhat disturbed by all the same things he used to do when he was 20 years old. “Guys I’m not trying to be a buzzkill, but…” will be heard a couple of times, followed by how your behavior could ultimately get your charter that has been uninterrupted for over 100 years pulled from the wall. Fortunately for you, the Local Alumnus and/or the Middle Management Fratter will cut him off mid-menstruation with a nice reminder that this guy once got pink eye doing blow out of a stripper’s b-hole in the chapter room. Then they’ll ask him if his fiancé knows that story. After that the “sensible adult” will stop preaching and eventually loosen up.
The Random Old Guy
One of the great things about being a part of a fraternity is the history that comes with your house. In a way, you are directly connected to your school’s past because of your fraternity. That’s especially true when that history walks right through the fucking front door in the form of a bourbon-induced hazing fest. He is old, but not just for college. He is old in the sense that he probably has a handful of Werther’s original candy in his pocket. He’s so old he probably spent as much time hazing Nazis as he did pledges. When the old guy walks in and sees debauchery or pledge “training,” he’s liable to do one of two things. He will either wish you well, and turn right back around knowing damn well he’s too old for that shit, or he’ll join in. If he partakes, you’ll probably have a hell of a time. Ask him about what the house was like when he was around, because he will have more stories than you could possibly imagine. He may very well have invented that mind-fuck where you blindfold all the kids and tell them to jump down on the Doritos instead of broken glass. Except when he was pledging, there were no blindfolds, and the glass was glass. Next time you see his name on that ancient bar in your game room, you’ll understand what it means to… wait a second… does that say class of ’38? How fucking old is he?