UCLA Study Finds That American College Freshmen Are Drinking At A Record Low, America’s Pussification Continues

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Hey, American college freshman, what the fuck?

Upon reading the source material for this post I experienced a variety of emotions. Anger. Disappointment. Then I circled back to anger. Then there was denial. Then pity, and finally, resolve. Usually I call that range of emotions “The Pre-Abortion Gauntlet.”

But really, why in the name of God are college freshman drinking less than ever? It can’t be lack of availability. Getting alcohol in college isn’t exactly hard. Struggling to find booze on campus would be like struggling to find pizza in New York or broken dreams in a porno.

“Oh check out that treble clef tattooed on her lower back. I bet she used to want to be a singer.”

Is it a question of desire, then? Freshmen, listen, I know you’re young and thus have probably spent more of your life to this point sober rather than drunk, but you have to trust me here, I’m your elder, listen to me: drunk is better. Way better. What’s that? Your other elders are telling you not to listen to me? Who are they? Your parents? Don’t listen to them, they’re liars. They told you Santa Claus was real, and that you were special, and that all mommies chain daddies to the radiator and make them wear assless leather chaps before bed that one time you walked into their room after 10pm. Do not trust them.

I’m out of ideas, there better be a good excuse.

For the first time ever, an annual survey of college freshman has found that first-year students are more focused on their job prospects than their party plans.

THAT’S A HORRIBLE EXCUSE!

You’re all 18 years old, for God’s sake. You’re worried about your job prospects? Don’t think that far ahead. Parents don’t start planning their funerals as soon as the kids move out of the house. People don’t buy life insurance before they get cancer (right?). Calm down and grab a beer. I should calm down too. I assume even though this is a record low, it’s still a minority of students who aren’t drinking.

/takes deep breath
//calms down

According to the “2012 Freshman Norms report,” conducted by UCLA’s Cooperative Institutional Research Program (CIRP) each year since 1966, only 33 percent of college freshman reported drinking beer in 2012

/Throws chair out of window
//Attempts to strangle the office peacock
///Restrained by security

THIRTY THREE FUCKING PERCENT!?!? Only one third of you are drinking!?! Considering that I can’t even imagine what else you’d be doing on the weekend other than drinking maybe this should be my alcoholic moment of clarity, but screw that, EPIPHANIES ARE FOR THE WEAK. Besides, the rage from knowing that only a third of college kids are drinking is far more crippling to my mental health than drowning my feelings in whiskey.

far lower than the 73.7 percent who were knocking back drinks in 1982, when many of their own parents were in college.

The 80s really were a magical time. Three years later the Nintendo Entertainment System was released in North America, and presumably everything went downhill from there.

Alcohol industry experts said that they’re happy about the change.

“Of course we don’t mind losing customers,” one alcohol exec said with a forced smile, “the alcohol industry believes that values are more important than maximum profit.”

The rest of the article goes on to talk about how students claim they are in school to learn and hope to achieve financial success after college. That’s all well and good, you are and you should, but last I checked there weren’t a lot of classes at 10pm on a Friday night. So grab a case of Natty, slap a bag of Franzia, take some shots of Taaka, and black the fuck out. Don’t worry, those notes will still be in your notebook in the morning…unless you used them as kindling for a couch fire, which is a real possibility.

Regardless of who is at fault or why, the pledges should be punished for this. Worst.Pledge Class.Ever.

[via Yahoo!]

***


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Bacon

Bacon is Director of Video Content and a Senior Writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He is a graduate, without honors, from the University of Missouri. His fake best-selling novel series, The Frat Romance Novel, has been self-described as a "pioneering achievement in satirical erotica." Bacon is originally from St. Louis, and currently lives in Austin, Texas. He still has not admitted to his family what he does for a living, and is prone to having wet nightmares ever since losing his virginity in a haunted house. Email: rob@grandex.co

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  1. 63
    Bronan the Barbarian

    Alternative headline: Generation X and Millenials are really good at lying on surveys.

    The data is definitely wrong. I’m betting people just didn’t want to admit to drinking underage.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago

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