Universal 1-10 Hotness Rating System

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The ranking of female hotness between 1 and 10 is often times heavily skewed due to lack of real world experience. More often than not guys overestimate hotness because they honestly do not know how hot females are capable of being. Many men might classify a girl as a 9, when in reality she is barely a 4. This is because very few people have had the opportunity to spot a true 10. They don’t know how high the bar has been set. True 10’s are extremely elusive, perhaps even mythical. Their existence is the stuff of legend, a whisper in history by those who witnessed their beauty first hand and were strong enough to survive the shock. What’s it like to see a true 10? Remember when all the Nazi faces melted off after opening the Ark of the Covenant in Indiana Jones? It’s like that. Some girls really are that hot.

1) Trolls

One is the loneliest number, for good reason. 1’s are as disgusting as it gets. It is never acceptable to sleep with a 1. If you bang a 1, you are cursed and shamed for life. It is a scarlet letter of ugly whoredom that will be remembered in paddle speeches for eternity. 1’s are not welcome in public. You’ll never see them on campus or out at a bar. Rumor has it, they lurk in the dungeons of fratcastles at night, like vultures waiting with disturbing patience to reverse rape an unsuspecting pledge who is too wasted and naïve to understand what is happening.

2) Ugly Girls

An ugly girl is an ugly girl. You should all know this definition. She won’t turn any heads, but she also won’t be stoned to death if she’s seen in public.

3) Most Girls

When a girl says that she’s a 5 or a 6, she really means a 3. This is probably the largest category of females on the planet. This is what most of your average slampieces can be classified as. Although 3’s are not ugly, they are certainly not hot. A generally accepted term for a 3 is “cute.” Often times, their faces will be sexy and loadsplosion worthy, but their bodies will be pudgy and amorphous. 3’s have the most potential to rise in class, if only they had the discipline to go to the gym more often and stop eating ice cream when they’re depressed.

4) Most Good Looking Girls

4 is a pretty good baseline for hotness. It’s about as low as you can go before you fall into the “just cute” category. 4’s take care of their bodies and understand their place in the pecking order of hotness. Often times, they have incredibly low self-esteem because they compare themselves to women who are much hotter than they are. They fail to see their own beauty, which is their Achilles heel, and your advantage. This weakness can be easily exploited. Simply reassure her of her own innate beauty and she’ll be slobbin’ knob in no time.

5) The Hottest Girl You Know

Think of the hottest girl you personally know. She is a 5. Don’t argue with it, accept it and learn to set your sights higher. Most guys would hardly have a chance with this type of girl because they rate her too highly. Because she is so highly over-rated her ego drastically inflates, which often makes her a raging bitch. She is a big fish in a small pond, but she thinks she’s the queen of the ocean. The best way to deal with a hot bitch like this is to destroy her false sense of superiority. Publicly demean her and expose her true inner ugliness and she will be begging you to bang her just to verify her own false pretenses.

6) The Hottest Girl You’ve Ever Seen in Real Life

6’s are typically what most guys would overrate as a 9. She is the hottest girl you’ve ever seen. Usually you just catch a fleeting glimpse of a 6 at a pool party or an upscale bar. Although 6’s are extremely hot, they are often the easiest to approach. 6 is where most rating scales top out. Most guys put 6’s up on a pedestal and are too afraid or insecure to approach them. This strange phenomenon actually deters guys from talking to 6’s. This perplexes the 6, who is usually bored and craving attention, entertainment, and cock. Simply walk up and start a conversation. She will respect how big your balls are and hopefully if you play your cards right, she will soon be sucking on them.

7) Celebrities

7 is usually where fantasy rating begins. 7 marks the beginning of the 1%. Only 1% of the females on this planet control 70% of the hotness. It isn’t fair, but neither is capitalism. If you don’t like it, go live in a communist country where hotness is repressed and everyone is the same shade of busted. Megan Fox is the perfect example of a 7. She is so hot and famous that she is virtually out of reach. Most guys don’t have a shit’s chance in a chocolate factory. If you want to get a 7, you’ve got to get famous. 80,000 hits on a YouTube video of you taking a wasabi enema up your ass isn’t going to cut it. You’ve got to be a rock star, movie star, or a titan in the entertainment industry (super agent, big shot producer, etc.) to have any shot at a celebrity.

8 ) Victoria’s Secret Models

These women are simply famous because they are uber hot. Being an 8 does not require any outstanding qualities or skills, other than god given hotness. Most of their life has been given to them on a silver platter. All you have to do to get an 8 is be extremely rich. Being famous is a plus, but not necessary, just cash. Supermodels are like ravens, buy them lots of shiny things, and they will be happy.

9) Porn Stars

9 is the uncontested slam trophy of the modern godless world. 9’s are not only incredibly hot, but they can suck a bowling ball through a garden hose with a smile on their face. You wouldn’t last 30 seconds with a 9. Sex is her craft and she is a consumate professional. She is a sorcerer of sex, a cumshot conjuror. She is so hot that millions of heinous perverts around the world are currently masturbating to her at this very moment. All you need to have to get a 9 is a big dick and the sexual stamina of an oversexed bronco on horse Viagra. To clarify, not every slut who screws dudes on camera for money is a 9. Any number can find success in the porn industry. Even trolls can find work, usually by banging midgets, animals, or something.

10) Legends

10’s are a mysterious force in the Universe. They are not fully understood and cannot be controlled or contained. 10 is a degree of hotness that changes the course of human history forever. The tales and legends of 10’s are passed down from generation to generation over the course of centuries and millennia. A true 10 is like an astronomical event, they only happen every few thousand years. Helen of Troy was a 10. Cleopatra was a 10. True 10 hotness caused global wars and brought entire empires to their knees. Men fought and died because someone HAD to hit it, no matter the cost in public funds and human life.

Some believe that 10’s are all extinct, or perhaps that they never even existed at all. Others claim that they exist, but that no one can live to tell the tale. Their hotness is so overwhelming that anyone who sees a 10 in person cannot help but masturbate to death on the spot. Some believe that the end of the Mayan calendar signals the arrival of the next 10. She will be the prophesized one who will mold and shape the future of mankind with her molecularly perfect ass and tits. Unfortunately we will all have to wait until 2030 when she turns 18 and can finally shoot a Playboy centerfold. This event will mark the end of us. It will spark a synchronized worldwide boner that will tear through the fabric of reality like weak tissue paper, thus ending time and space as we know it.

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  1. 151
    Broden

    What you’ve just written is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever read. At no point in your rambling, incoherent writing we’re you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone on this site is now dumber for having read it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago
  2. 86
    Sir DampTrousers

    So your telling me that Scarlett Johansson and her sweater cows are a solid 7? Do me a favor, take two steps back and literally fuck your own face.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago
  3. 59
    Done Deal

    You need to shift the scale up a little. For me 1’s and 2’s are trolls, 3’s through 5’s are the average girls, 6’s and 7’s are most good looking girls, 8’s are the hottest girl you know, 9’s are the hottest girls you have seen in real life, 10’s are actresses and models, and if there is a girl that is just so ridiculously hot that 10 isnt enough then you call her an 11.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago
  4. 35
    FaFratstar

    I’m one to admit that I’m a horrible person and dick when it comes to judging women, but this is just fucking moronic and terrible. I highly doubt that the hottest girl I’ve ever seen in my life is only a 6. Just because someone is famous doesn’t automatically make them hotter, you dick. I seriously hope you never get laid again because she was “only a 4″. Fuck you.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago
  5. 25
    Don Geiss

    “Men fought and died because someone HAD to hit it, no matter the cost in public funds and human life.”
    DIED laughing out loud hahahaha great colum!

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago
  6. 18
    FrattinSince1855

    This scale is bullshit. There are 1’s and there 0’s: Yes/No. Stop sitting around and arguing over whose slam is higher on the scale and ask yourself would you or wouldn’t you. There you go.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago
  7. 6
    The GZA

    The description of 10s in this column was quite possibly the funniest thing I’ve ever read on here. Frat on, gentlemen. May the countdown to December 21 (and the subsequent arrival of the world’s next 10) commence

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago

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