University of Delaware Students Caught Having Sex Behind Dumpster During St. Patrick’s Day Celebration (NSFW)

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Nice Move

People can bemoan the commercial bastardization of Christmas and Easter or the total hijacking and massive overhyping of Valentine’s Day by the greeting card companies all they want. However, until brutal, drunken fist fights, all manners of bodily secretion, and dead-eyed humping become staples of another holiday, no Christian feast will ever be as disgraced as St. Patrick’s Day. At least on Mardi Gras you’re supposed to sin by getting all your gluttony, lust, and public urination out before Lent begins.

If St. Patrick’s Day is going to keep devolving further into drunken shit-fuckery (there isn’t a non-profane, real word that is more apt than that) can we, as a shamelessly and tactlessly appropriating society, at least honor something other than “St. Patrick was Irish and the Irish like to drink, so let’s get blacked and dance around until we touch someone else with either our fists or our genitals, or both, and possibly all with the same person”? I propose drunken snake fighting, in honor of St. Patrick driving all the snakes out of Ireland. One very drunk man versus one very pissed off, very large python? This needs to happen.

Naturally, because St. Patrick’s Day is St. Patrick’s Day as we know it, stories like this one out of Newark, Del., home of the University of Delaware, about two college-aged, drunk partiers sloppily banging behind a mall dumpster, are more expected than shocking.

The Newark Police Department is attempting to identify two individuals captured by cell phone video and photos engaging in sexual intercourse in public in the rear parking lot of the Galleria Building, 45 East Main St., during the afternoon of Saturday, March 15.

The incident, which occurred in broad daylight in plain view of numerous passers-by, was captured by several witnesses on cell phones and quickly posted on various social media websites.

The first suspect is described as a college-aged male with brown hair. He was last seen wearing a green button down shirt, khaki pants and brown boots.

The second suspect is described as a college-aged female with blonde hair. She was last seen wearing a green short-sleeve T-shirt, jean shorts, brown cowboy boots and glasses.

This is how drunk people get on St. Patrick’s day. They fuck behind mall dumpsters. Not even the smell of rotting Sbarro and discarded Hollister swimsuit bottoms soiled by a girl’s first (and poorly timed) period can turn them off.

Thankfully, because the couple was in public, and presumably holding up a lengthy vomit line, plenty of people witnessed and recorded this coital nightmare.

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You could use your penis to stir a hepatitis colada and have less of a chance contracting a disease than you do having sex next to a dumpster with a girl (or guy) who’s willing to have sex next to a dumpster.

Police are not too thrilled that these young lovers decided to express themselves physically behind the mall dumpsters, despite the fact that this was probably the most appropriate place for them to show exactly what they were feeling toward each other. I mean, where better to throw your garbage DNA into a human dumpster than next to actual dumpsters? Police are looking for information about the couple, and are hoping that someone will be able to identify them so charges can be filed. One thing is certain–it’s highly unlikely the couple will be able to identify each other. And in that way, it’s the perfect crime.

[via The Huffington Post, U Daily]

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