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Unqualified Brother Currently On Academic Probation Takes Over Fraternity Scholarship Chair

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AUSTIN — A liberal arts student, currently on academic probation with the university, was named scholarship chair of the Pi Chi Alpha house last night during a special session making up for a missed chapter on Super Bowl Sunday. After barely meeting quorum 30 minutes into new business, laughably unqualified junior Billy Davis and his cumulative 1.7 GPA was confirmed to the position after the ayes were determined to have it despite apathetic brothers loudly voicing nehs “for the fuck of it.”

“It’s by far the least desirable position in the fraternity,” says dean’s list regular Chad Renish. “We just thought it be somewhat funny to name a kid who’s regularly taken off the chapter grade report every seme scholarship chair.”

Davis has never been recorded on a single Pi Chi grade report or made over a 2.0 in his collegiate career. When an Office of Fraternity and Sorority Life administrator asked the political science major to login to the school’s student portal to track his semester progress, Davis seemed perplexed before eventually trying to use his XBox gamer tag.

“How’s he still enrolled?” repeated pledge brother Johnny Wells. “It might have something to do with the name on the communication building and his family routinely cutting this place seven figure checks.”

The Franklin Davis School of Communication is regarded as one of the very best in the country and the family that plasters their name on the college is one of the university’s biggest donors. Davis’ standing as an active student seems to be well intact so long as the money keeps piling in.

IFC officials were far from amused when learning the news that they’d be working with Davis to get updates on his fraternity’s grades this semester, but Pi Chi president Dylan Thompson assured them to rest easy.

“Nothing changes.” voiced Thompson. “We’ll have a higher GPA than non-Greeks by carrying on the tradition of taking off the fifty or so brothers that aren’t making above a 3.0. It’s a broken system and we have absolutely no problem continuing to take advantage of it.”

Thompson smirked when asked if he had total trust in Davis to complete the simplest of tasks that come with the position.

“We’ll probably have someone else double check to make sure the right names are off the report. I’m not sure Davis knows how to work a printer.

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Dan Regester

Dan Regester @Dan_Regester is a Senior Writer and Content Manager for Grandex, Inc. Delco trash. UCF alum. Famous FIJI on Wikipedia. Bit of a gambling problem. Advocate of shipping the homeless to Mars. Email tips to Dan@totalfratmove.com

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