There ain’t no smoggy smoke on Rocky Top, ain’t no telephone bills. Apparently, however, there is quite an abundance of try-hard down in good ‘ol Rocky Top (Wooh!).
Seems like one of the Volunteer faithful has come down with a case of Dr. Seuss fever, and the only prescription is hopefully sweet, sweet relieving death. It’s a Grinch spoof starring that old scoundrel, The Cheek, which I’m told is a reference to the UTK president.
Don’t get me wrong, I like this doofus’s concept. I respect the linguistic hustle. Kid’s even got some quality meter. And don’t take it personally, junior. I’ve never denied being a player hater, but good God, man.
How the Cheek Stole Fratmas: a Christmas Satire
Every Bro down on Frat Row liked parties a lot… But the Cheek up in Andy Holt Tower did NOT! The Cheek hated parties! The whole football season! Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that he never was given a bid. Or left too many big Cheek-y boogers unpicked. But I think that the most likely reason of all may have been that his heart was two sizes too small. But whatever the reason, his boogers or heart, he HATED fraternities, right from the start.
He stared down on the frats with a sour, Cheek-y frown at their warm lighted windows below in their town. For he knew every Bro down on Frat Row beneath was probably taking off strippers’ thongs with their teeth.
“And they’re playing their music!” he snarled with a sneer. “And they’re kissing their girls and drinking their beer!” Then he growled, as he watched all the young’ns a-chatting, “I MUST find a way to keep frat Bros from fratting!”
Cause at some point, he knew, every fine young Greek dame would head down to the Row for a nice fratty game of beer pong, or quarters, with all the frat boys And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That’s the ONE thing Cheek hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
They’d behave in a manner not completely becoming, and not give a shit about winning Homecoming. They’d haze all their pledges (yeah, it’s basically slavery) And with girls, behind doors, do things oh-so-unsavory.
And THEN they’d do something he liked least of all! Every Bro down on Frat Row, the tall and the small, the handsome and ugly, the shy and engaging would play Stranglehold LOUD and those Bros would start raging!
They’d rage! And they’d rage! And they’d RAGE! RAGE! RAGE! RAGE!
And the more the Cheek thought of the fratty ragefest, the more the Cheek thought, “I must put this to rest! Why for five long, long years I’ve put up with it now! I must stop Bros from raging! Yes, stop them…But HOW?”
Then he got an idea! An awful idea! THE CHEEK GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
“I know just what to do!” The Cheek giggled with glee,“I’ll go steal all their beer – how morose they would be!” “What a great Cheeky trick!” he chuckled and clucked, “Those frats that keep raging are totally fucked!”
The Cheek thought and thought and he pored o’er his knowledge, but it’d been quite a while since the Cheek’d been in college. Then he knew just when to steal their beer in one sweep –he’d sneak in at noon when all the Bros were asleep!
So he picked up some bags and some old empty sacks and said to himself, “Mr. Cheeky attacks!” Then the Cheek walked down Volunteer Drive in disguise –pleated khakis, a polo – a sight for sore eyes!
When he got to the row, The Cheek bounded on down to Phi Sigma Kappa, one of Frat Row’s renowned. And slowly but sure, he hit all of the houses in silent (he didn’t disturb e’en the mouses).
All their windows were smashed. Stale beer smell filled the halls. To the Cheek it was certain – they had surely raged balls. So he snuck to each basement, where the parties had been held, unaccustomed to whatever it was there that smelled.
He snatched all the Keystone, the Busch, and the Coors! He emptied the closets, the cabinets, the drawers! He took the red Solos, the bongs, and the coasters, he even removed all the fratty beer posters!
At the very last house, as his bags all filled up, The Cheek tossed in one final half-filled solo cup, he stuffed in all the beer that Bros drink on the reg “And NOW!” grinned the Cheek, “I will stuff in the keg!”
And the Cheek grabbed the keg, and he started to shove when he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove. He turned around fast, and he saw a small Brew! Little Fratty-Lou Brew, who was not yet twenty-two.
Hungover and groggy, Fratty-Lou looked confused (clearly last night he had fratted and boozed). He stared at the Cheek and said, “Mister Cheek, why? Why are you taking our Natty Light? WHY?”
But, you know, that old Cheek was so smart and so slick He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick! “Why, my sweet little Bro,” the ole Chancellor lied,“There’s a tap on this keg that won’t properly slide! So I’m taking it home to my workshop, my dear. I’ll fix it up there. Then I’ll bring it back here.”
And his fib fooled the Bro. Then he patted his head, gave him one last Coors Light and he sent him to bed. And when Fratty-Lou Brew took his Coors Light to bed, Cheek went down to the river and he emptied the keg!
And five stories up, up on Andy Holt Tower, Cheek fin’lly retreated at the five o’clock hour “Poo-poo to the Bros!” he was Cheek-ish-ly humming. They’re finding out now that no ragefest is coming!
They’re just waking up! I know just what they’ll do! Their mouths will hang open a minute or two, then all the Bros down on Frat Row will all cry BOO-HOO!”
“That’s a noise,” grinned the Cheek, “that I simply must hear!”So he paused and the Cheek put a hand to his ear. And he did hear a sound rising over the Row. It started in low. Then it started to grow…
But the sound wasn’t sad! Why, this sound sounded merry! It couldn’t be so! But it WAS merry! VERY! He stared down at Frat Row! And the Cheek popped his eyes! Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Bro down on Frat Row, the tall and the small, was RAGING! Without any Natty at all! He HADN’T stopped all the frat bros from boozing! They switched right to liquor without a single buzz, losing!
And the Cheek, with his Cheek-cheeks saggy and low, stood puzzling and puzzling: “How could it be so? No Bud Light? No heavy? No Miller Lite either? (You’d think that the bros would at least want a breather?)
And he puzzled three hours,`till his puzzler was sore. Then the Cheek thought of something he hadn’t before! “Maybe raging,” he thought, “can be done without beer?” “Maybe liquor and wine can bring similar cheer?”
And what happened then…? Well…on Frat Row they say that the Cheek’s little heart grew three sizes that day! And I’ll stop you right there ‘cause I know what you think, and yes, I agree, the Cheek needed a drink.
So the minute his heart didn’t feel quite so tight, he whizzed with his load through the dim evening light and he brought back the keg! And all the beer in the land!
And he…HE HIMSELF! The Cheek did a keg stand!
Even Lane Kiffin thinks this whole thing is a mess. So much for my great start to winter break. I’m going back to bed.
h/t Jon M Fratsman
Image via name of image source goes here