Utah Valley University is in the news for, well, the first time ever. This probably isn’t how they wanted to let society know they existed.
This brings me to something I hesitate to even give one sentence to in print, but we have on the loose what has been dubbed the “Poop Bandit” by our custodial team. Apparently, once a week, this degenerate leaves a fecal surprise on a mirror for our heroic janitors. I don’t use that term lightly—they are heroes.
I’m not exactly sure how the janitors react when they discover the poo smeared mirrors left behind by the Poop Bandit, but since they’re “heroes” I really hope this interaction happens one day.
(*Janitor walks into bathroom, sees mirror covered in a greenish-brown fecal sludge*)
Janitor: NOOO! Screw this job! I can’t clean this crap up again. Just fucking kill me.
(*Poop Bandit slowly emerges from a stall*)
Poop Bandit: When Utah Valley University is feces, you have my permission to die.
(*Poop Bandit exits the bathroom*)
Regardless of how absolutely hilarious it is that some sicko is pulling their logs out of the toilet and spreading them on bathroom mirrors like human hummus on so many glassy crackers, UVU students are sick and tired of living in fear of this fecal terrorist.
You may laugh at the “Poop Bandit,” and I’ll admit to a slight chuckle myself, but seriously? I don’t even want to think of the logistics of accomplishing such a task.
The logistics are pretty simple. The Poop Bandit just takes a shit and smears it on the mirror. There are a couple variables, sure. Do they shit in the toilet and pull it out? I’m sure a little dampness makes for easier spreading. Or maybe they shit right there in their hand. Do they shit in a bag at home and discreetly transport it to the bathroom?
It’s not the how that I’m concerned about, it’s the why. Why does the Poop Bandit deface mirrors? Why not the walls of a stall? Why not just take a shit on the floor right next to the toilet. THAT’S funny, and you don’t have to put poo poo in your hands.
My theory is that the Poop Bandit has image issues. One day they were in a campus bathroom, having just let a fudge dragon fly free from their chocolate cavern, and were looking in the mirror. Having image issues, they hated what they saw. Their seemingly average reflection, heinously morphed by their insecurities, drove them to insanity. They screamed and in a rage started thrashing about the bathroom until eventually their fit threw them back into their own stall, where they saw the remnants of their B.M., leftovers of a brown whale that the flush couldn’t handle. They reached into the toilet and pulled out the poop. They ran at the mirror, smearing feces all over their reflection and screaming wildly. Thus, the Poop Bandit was born. But here’s the twist, it’s a GIRL! She was just using the men’s room because it was an emergency. She’ll never be caught, because the custodial detectives are operating under the assumption that girls don’t poop. Oh they poop, all over your mirrors.
That’s my theory, anyway. In the meantime, if you find yourself on Utah Valley University’s campus, just keep on going. Not that you wouldn’t have done that anyway.