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How To Throw The Perfect Valentine’s Day Date In Your Fraternity House

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You dirty dog, you. After years of playing the field and evading commitment like a white collar criminal avoiding both jail time and his children’s formative years, you finally found love at a “$2 you call it Tuesday.” The scene was straight out of fairy tale. The floral scented urinal cakes unsuccessfully masked the aroma of the dimly lit, puke and piss covered bathroom stall, and the two of you grasped onto the handicap railings for dear life slipping on the moist tile floor while passionately humping to the soundtrack of loud knocks and applause by cognizant strangers outside.

Maybe this is a temporary fling — it typical is with you — but perhaps she’s the woman that you’ll actually open up to, leave yourself vulnerable with, and have your heart ripped out by and stomped on with her size seven nude wedges. The girl of your dreams you lavaliere as one last ditch effort to save the testy relationship before an explosive, climatic post graduation breakup that leaves you both bitter and resentful for wasting precious years of each other’s college experience.

But for now, that special gal deserves the very best. Here’s some tricks of the trade to help burn down your fraternity house with the fiery heat of desire this Valentine’s Day with virtually no effort.

Pledge Serenade

She seems somewhat letdown that you’ve been together for five whole minutes without acknowledging the “holiday.” With no dinner reservations established or card in sight, you can see the disappointment in her eyes. Act generally disinterested with anything she has to say, and when she’s finally on the verge of tears suggest going upstairs to your room to “bang it out.” You’ll be rewarded with a slap to the face before she storms out the front door. Don’t worry, you planned for this.

Outside the pledges will be dressed in diapers and wings carrying bows and arrows along with harps and guitars stopping little miss high maintenance in her tracks singing their hearts out with a tasteful rendition of “Fuck Her Gently.”

She cracks a smile and looks back where you’ll be standing in a red robe smoking a corn cob pipe and holding the flowers and chocolate that you had one of the pledges go out on a run for earlier in the day. The emotional 180 will be overwhelming and she’ll come running back into your arms ready to jump your bones.

It’ll seem like a lot of time, energy, and thought went into this entire spectacle, but really all you have to do is threaten to castrate the entire pledge class if they fuck up even the smallest element of the performance.

Candles

This is another great touch with zero to no work required. Next to the Vatican, you’ll find no better place to cop some pillar candles and incense than a fraternity ritual room. Sure, it might trigger some rough memories from both your alter boy and pledge days, but she’ll genuinely appreciate the gesture. Also, if you’re feeling freaky, candle wax can really add another dimension into foreplay. Don’t knock it ’till you try it, kids.

Blindfold her

It’s like the fraternity house was built for Valentine’s Day.

Tease her

Casually stroke her legs up and down as you watch College Basketball on mute. Tell her the best things come to those that wait.

Bring what you were waiting for into the bedroom: another woman

“I thought we’d spice things up.”

Get a goodnight’s sleep alone

Looks like you’re hitting the gym tomorrow. Get some rest.

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Dan Regester

Dan Regester @Dan_Regester is a Senior Writer and Content Manager for Grandex, Inc. Delco trash. UCF alum. Famous FIJI on Wikipedia. Bit of a gambling problem. Advocate of shipping the homeless to Mars. Email tips to Dan@totalfratmove.com

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