Oh, Walmart. Bless the eternal black hole of employee lawsuits and shutdown mom and pop shops that you call your heart. At least you tried.
You see, Walmart, like many other companies, decided to ban the sale of Confederate flag merchandise last week after the KKK’s poster child with a bad Beatles’ haircut shot and killed nine black church-goers in Charleston, South Carolina.
So when Louisiana resident, Chuck Netzhammer, went to his local Wal-Mart to get a Confederate flag cake, Wal-Mart stuck by their, uh, sense of morals and refused to make the cake in their quest to end racism one delicious dairy treat at a time.
From Good Morning America:
A man in Louisiana is asking for an explanation from Walmart after his request for a Confederate flag cake at one of its bakeries was rejected, but a design with the ISIS flag was accepted. Chuck Netzhammer said he ordered the image of a Confederate flag on a cake with the words, “Heritage Not Hate,” on Thursday at a Walmart in Slidell, Louisiana. But the bakery denied his request, he said. At some point later, he ordered the image of the ISIS flag that represents the terrorist group.
Now first off, I’m not from the south and my closest interaction with southern heritage is my personal 240-pixel relationship with Alexis Texas, so forgive me if I stereotype. But why is anybody, especially in the south, going to Wal-Mart for a cake? Doesn’t everyone down south have an old granny who prides herself on her cooking and runs a butter-churning mill that is powered by Chick-fil-A’s cow mascots? I assume those grannies are filled with southern pride and would love to milk those cow titties dry to make a fresh, Confederate flag cake instead of resorting to Wal-Mart’s cakes, which I can only imagine tastes like the tears and broken dreams of their employees.
Secondly, Chuck, if I may make a suggestion — now I know that you wanted a Confederate flag cake to represent your southern heritage, but think of all of the endless possibilities of artery-clogging, cancer causing goodness that can be put on that cake to show your southern pride instead.
Perhaps a tad presumptuous, but since you hail from the state of Louisiana, I imagine there’s a good chance that you spell the word “go” with an “eaux” at the end and you would drink Les Mile’s taint sweat if it meant a championship for the Tigers. Even if LSU isn’t your school of choice, I would wager the state of Texas with Mexico that you want Nick Saban and Bama fans alike to drink a bottle of Tide bleach.
Just imagine: a cake with Nick Saban’s stupidly rich face plastered on it as he gets ready to perform fellatio on a chicken with the words “Saban bleauxs ‘cocks” to really get all of the SEC involved. Or perhaps a picture of Saban’s scantily clad daughter with plenty of vanilla frosting on her tits for some nice sexual symbolism, with the cake captioned “she gives crimson rides.”
But if you’re Wal-Mart, how fucking dumb can they and their employees be that out of all the people involved in making this cake, not a single one of them has been able to adjust their tin foil antennas properly at the trailer park and get the channel off Jerry Springer for five seconds to even accidentally watch even just a little bit of news to see that an ISIS flag cake isn’t something you should put lit candles nearby?
Hell, even though CNN mistook a flag of dildos and butt plugs for the ISIS flag, at least it actually kind of looked like an ISIS flag. And CNN usually does about as much investigative reporting as the average BuzzFeed writer. So c’mon Wal-Mart, let’s be better than BuzzFeed. I don’t think that’s setting the bar too high after all.
But for the sake of Wal-Mart and their PR team, let’s hope that when a freshly buzzed cut man carrying Mein Kampf comes in asking for a cake for his book club, that employees are a little more brushed up on their WWII history than they are on current events..
[via Good Morning America]