WATCH: Justin Bieber Eggs Neighbor’s House, Neighbor Catches It On Video, Calls Biebs A “Bitch” And A “Motherfucker”

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Nice Move

If you were writing a story about an obscenely famous, unfathomably wealthy teen superstar, could you even think up something as outrageous as Justin Bieber’s actual life? No one weaves as seamlessly or impressively between spoiled celebrity and shit head teenager like Bieber. It’s masterful. One day he goes to Rio and bangs out a brothel full of high end Brazilian hookers, probably spending enough money before nap time pay off four years of college, then the next he’s egging his neighbor’s house. I guess if people wanted him to act like a normal kid they can’t really complain about his reckless speeding or vandalization of property. That’s what teenagers do.

The problem is that Bieber isn’t a normal teenager. If that seems like an obvious statement, bear with me for a moment. Bieber is not, nor was he ever, a relatively average teenager like most of us are/were. Bieber is essentially what would happen if you gave infinite fame and millions of dollars to that kid from your high school who obsessively read car magazines and rolled into every party with is “boys” looking for a fight. So even if he were a normal (see also: poor and not famous) teenager, he’d still be one that the rest of us despised.

So that’s my theory on Bieber: he’s the trashy, car magazine obsessed kid but with hundreds of millions of dollars and legions of willing jailbait. He’s a monster. He’s also a bitch and a motherfucker, at least according to Bieber’s neighbor. The neighbor calls Bieber as much in a video the poor bastard took while the Biebs egged his house for reasons unknown. The two have had their spats in the past though, so maybe this was simply an extension of that. Here’s the video, from TMZ. It’s definitely worth a watch.

Calling the police is one avenue, sure, but I think Bieber’s neighbor should pursue frat justice instead. It’s sort of like Sean Connery’s “The Chicago Way” in The Untouchables, except it involves breaking shit.

You wanna get Bieber? Here’s how you get him. He puts an egg on your window, you put a brick through his. He sends one of your hedges to the gardener, you send one of his to the wood chipper. All that and if you find him on your property fucking with your shit you send ten guys out to kick his ass.

Naturally, I wonder what inspired Bieber to egg his neighbor’s house, and naturally, I feel the need to answer my own question.

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Bodyguard: Yo, Jay, the neighbor called and said the music was too loud. I think you should turn it down, dawg.

Bieber: FOO I can barely hear these jams.

Bodyguard: Yeah, but that’s because you wearin’ those earmuffs.

Bieber: (laughs hysterically) Yeah these are funny as hell!

*Bieber points to his earmuffs, which are a novelty pair made to look like hairy vaginas.*

Bieber (CONT): Imma get a pair’uh these fo’ my G-Ma.

Bodyguard: I don’t really think that’s an appropriate gift fo’ your gramma, Jay.

Bieber: Why tha fuck not!?!? Canada’s cold as hell an’ my G-ma got a big ol’ muff! What could be more appropriate fo’ a cold-eared, muff-havin’ bitch than ear muffs that look like they actually muffs!?! NOTHIN’. Damn, you need to read a logic book or somethin’.

Bodyguard: Yeah, aight Jay, whatever. I just think we should turn the music down. He’s been callin’ about it a lot. I mean, you got the system blarin’ even when you ain’t home.

Bieber: Cuz I know tha ghosts up in ‘dis house wanna jam out too!

Bodyguard: I think it’s time I told you about that, actually…

Bieber: Tell me ’bout what!?!

Bodyguard: Jay, this house ain’t haunted.

Bieber: What? WHAT? WHAT!?!?! Bitch I KNOW you lyin’. I was wiff you when we all fucked ’round wiff ‘dat Ouji Board and mothufuckin’ Tupac showed up an’ started rappin’. The ghost of Tupac haunts this house! Pfft like you don’t remember that.

Bodyguard: Nah, Jay. I remember. Tupac came out and started rappin’ and you peed yo’ pants.

Bieber: THAT WAS A NEW DANCE MOVE I MADE UP FO’ ‘PAC’s GHOST! I TOLD YOU THAT!

Bodyguard: I know, I know. You explained that to us and then made us all sign a contract yo’ lawyer drew up making sure that we agreed we knew that it was nothing but a dance move and that you were actually “mad brave.”

Bieber: MAD BRAVE ‘DAT’s RIGHT!

Bodyguard: But Jay, that Tupac ghost ain’t a ghost. We just wanted you to have a special Halloween so we bought the Tupac hologram from Coachella and just told you it was a ghost. I can go get the machine if you don’t believe me.

*The sad truth washes over Bieber*

Bieber: So…so ‘Pac don’t haunt this house?

Bodyguard: Nah Jay. So let’s just turn down the music and be cool about this.

Bieber: (starts crying and screeching) I HATE THIS HOUSE NOW!!!!!

Bodyguard: Aw damn…

*Bieber starts breaking vases, ripping paintings off the wall, etc.*

Bieber: I NEVER WANNA LIVE HERE AGAIN! THIS HOUSE IS STUPID!

*Suddenly, a very concerned Crew Member 1 and Crew Member 2 come sprinting around the corner, worried for Bieber*

Crew Member 1: Jay, what’s wrong, dawg!?!?

Bieber: (Still crying) AIN’T NO ‘PAC! THIS HOUSE IS DUMB ASS HELL!

Crew Member 2: (starts tearing up at seeing Bieber’s distress) Jay, dawg, don’t say that yo. ‘Dis house, cuz you live up in it, it’s a temple of beauty an’ troof. Yo’ sick beatz an’ nasty dance moves echo through these halls, illuminatin’ ’em wiff a brilliance ‘dat only a mystical song angel like yo’self could achieve. Err’day I wake up up in herr I’m crazy thankful cuz it’s just full’uh err’thang inside’uh you an’ I can feel it wash over my face wiff warmth like it’s comin’ direct from inside’uh you right to me, an’ part’uh me likes to think that maybe I got it outta you, an’ onto me, an’ it just makes me so happy.

Bodyguard: Man, yo’ intentions are gettin’ less veiled by the day and it just keeps gettin’ weirder.

Crew Member 2: What if I do yo’ new dance move fo’ you Jay? Will that make you happy again?

*Crew Member 2 starts peeing his pants*

Bieber: NO! NOTHING MAKES ME HAPPY NOW! This house is stupid now that ‘Pac don’t haunt it! It’s stupid just like my stupid neighbor’s house. I might as well be like him. (Impersonating Neighbor) beep boop beep boop I am a boring stupid person who does office work and never fucks hoes in my hot tub after my boring dinner that isn’t chicken quesadillas, Gushers, and Crystal.’

Crew Member 1: (laughing hysterically) Jay that was dead on yo’, I ain’t never seen him with any hoes up in his hot tub.

Bodyguard: Aight Jay, well Imma turn down the music while you sort this out.

Bieber: NO! It’s my neighbor’s fault ‘Pac ain’t herr no mo’. ‘Pac wanted beats but my neighbor HATES ‘Pac an’ HATES beats, cuz he wants my crib to be stupid like his house! Well Imma make his house even stupider. Imma egg ‘dat bitch!

Crew Member 1: YEAH SON! You show that bitch ass neighbor what up! Dat’s a bold an’ admirable move.

Bodyguard: Man ain’t nothin’ bold about throwin’ eggs at someone’s house and runnin’ the fuck off.

Crew Member 1: ERRY’THANG JAY DOES IS BOLD! Jay, even if I wasn’t contractually obligated to think it, I’d still think you was mad brave.

Bieber: Get all the eggs. We got any big ass eggs? Like an ostrich egg? Somethin’ I can just slam dunk on his bitch ass door?

Bodyguard: Jay, man, ain’t nobody sell ostrich eggs. We ain’t got any “big ass eggs.”

Bieber: Then how tha fuck do the chefs make my big ass omelets? Oh do they just take lots’uh little eggs an’ do it? NO! That’d jus’ make lots’uh little ass omelets. Damn, you a dumbass today.

Bodyguard: Whatever. Imma go read a book. Have fun.

Bieber: Imma get my neighbor fo’ killin’ ‘Pac’s ghost. Gimme them eggs.

___

87% chance that’s how it happened.

[via TMZ]

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