This is TFM, so I’ll assume everyone reading this saw Disney’s adaptation of Stephen Sondheim’s frattiest musical, Into the Woods. There’s a lot in there about consequences and relationships, including a particularly dark sequence involving Little Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf. There’s a song in which the Wolf talks about “eating” LRRH that’s really just a thinly veiled metaphor for sexual assault, and LRRH walks in unaware and unafraid — a young girl without orientation to a wicked world. She’s promptly “eaten.” As I mentioned before, this idea of being “eaten” by the Wolf is a metaphor for something very serious. Lately, I see it as a metaphor for the general idea of consensual relationships. Take, for instance, my female friends who are leaving Tinder because they feel guys are only using it to have sex. That they, the frail “Little Reds,” can’t avoid getting carried away with their feelings and will inevitably fall straight into the crotch of all these “Big Bad Wolves” — wolves who have no intention of being their Bravo TV couch mate.
To all the women out there running from Tinder for this reason, let me be the one to finally say it: Yes, guys use Tinder to have sex. We have no interest in actually meeting other humans, learning about someone else’s life, or playing any game of “cat and mouse with a huge dong.” Oh man, that feels good. It’s been a tough façade to keep up. It’s actually freeing! At last, we can be honest. No more making eye contact on dates. No more conversations about what I did with my weekend and the awesomeness of brunch. No more texting “hey!” with an exclamation point to show excitement about matching. I can just swipe, find a match, and simply type, “Bone?” You’ll respond, “Whatevs.” Then we’ll meet at a street corner, find a comfortable pile of trash, lie down, open our jean zippers, and connect our Lego pieces. We won’t kiss, and we won’t even have to hug. We’ll just bang against one another. The slaps, hard breaths, and police sirens will be our version of K-Ci and JoJo. I’ll finish after a few pumps, turn to you, and say, “See ya,” and you’ll say, “Whatevs,” and we’ll move on to the next plug and hole. Thank God we’ve stopped with all these gestures and gotten straight to the good stuff. I don’t know why men waited so long to ‘fess up.
Wasn’t that fun? No, it actually wasn’t. If you stop using Tinder because guys are on there to have sex, then you should stop leaving the house. As a single guy, everything I do is to have sex. Maybe not the initial intent, but it always crosses my mind. Every day, I’m holding doors open for girls — to have sex. I’m putting on pants with belts — to have sex. I’m currently holding in this fart, the one with the smell that’s my own, which I actually enjoy — to, you guessed it, possibly have sex and follow it up by standing in the bathroom, holding a single ass-cheek, to finally release a silent fart. And I’m not alone (as every guy nods while holding in farts). Yes, guys are using Tinder for sex, and the illusion that we aren’t is what keeps the actual sex sexy. The idea that a woman can’t handle Tinder is the same to me as a woman saying she can’t play a card game because the rules are too hard. She’ll let the men play as she backtracks her gender a whole generation. In 2015, this attitude isn’t sexy to a confident male who is looking for a confident female counterpart.
Why do we pretend that sex and relationships are mutually exclusive entities? As if one doesn’t feed or birth the other. Avoid that reality and spend a life in fear, ready to be fooled, a girl alone in the woods. What I didn’t mention about Into the Woods is that Little Red Riding Hood eventually escapes the Wolf’s grasp. She then sings:
Take extra care with strangers,
Even flowers have their dangers.
And though scary is exciting,
Nice is different than good.
Now I know:
Don’t be scared.
Granny is right,
Just be prepared.
I think that’s pretty good advice..