We Need To Use The Homeless As Lab Rats For Our Colonization Of Mars

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Nice Move

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It’s something I’ve alluded to on the site and around the office several times over the last few years. It’s my calling card, my presidential platform, and the only thing I’m truly passionate about. Whenever you read my writer bio, it’s there in plain sight — Dan Regester: advocate of shipping the homeless to Mars.

Back during that whole Mars One hoax, I thought “this would be a perfect time to unleash the greatest solution to both space exploration and our homeless epidemic.” But the column got put on the back burner as it became apparent the 100 or so morons that were swindled into thinking they were actually Red Planet-bound weren’t going anywhere but the doghouse of their loved ones. Imagine having that awkward conversation after the fact. “Yeah, I know last week I was trying to get as far away from you as humanly possible — 249 million miles to be exact — but uh… how about this weather we’re having now?”

The fact that we even contemplated launching real people on the first suicide mission to colonize space is baffling. We don’t just start clinical trials with new cancer medications on little Matty Melanoma. No, we pump rats full of the potentially life-saving drugs or death-expediting poison and work out the kinks. So who better to trail blaze our Marsifest Destiny than their fellow sewer dwellers?

It’s killing two birds with one stone. Not only are we getting valuable data on starting space Farmville on a carbon dioxide-riddled dry rock, but we’re also cleaning the streets of Earth of the filthy vermin that litter our sidewalks, underpasses, streets, and countries. Sorry India, any Middle Easterner that isn’t an oil sheik, and the entire continent of Africa, but your poop-flooded, shantytown-filled countries need to go. You’re complete eyesores on this world, and you can build your trash huts elsewhere.

There is a population of about 1.6 billion people on Earth that lack adequate housing. 1.6 billion people wasting our air, water, and other natural resources. 1.6 billion people that live each day with the goal of not fucking dying. Why not give them a real chance? Real opportunity? Real hope? They can continue their meaningless existence here trying to scrape together two nickels for a loaf of stale bread to last them through the winter, or they can become history-making pioneers that rule their own planet. They can become kings of Mars.

“So where exactly are we getting the funds to ship 1.6 billion people across the cosmos?” you’re undoubtedly questioning. “How do we afford this daunting task?” Let me flip that question on you and ask, “How can we afford not to?” And stop trying to bring things like numbers and logistics into this conversation, nerd. I’m a big picture kind of guy. We’ll figure it out. I mean, think about how much property value skyrockets in a society without peasants?

Plus, I’m not saying we send these peons up in the newest state-of-the-art, right-off-the-lot spaceship. I’m thinking more along the lines of the 1980s, Pontiac Aztek-model equivalent. Send these bums up in tin cans for all I care, just get them the hell out of here.

Not to mention, Elon Musk announced yesterday he planned on colonizing Mars by 2025. Dude figured out the whole mass production of electric cars thing, I’m sure developing an engine that runs on brown bag Mad Dog 40s, broken dreams, utter despair, and repulsive odor would be a walk in the park for the guy. We have the minds and test subjects to make this a reality.

It’s a win-win for all parties involved. The poors finally have a shot at making something of their miserable lives, our hands are clean of both anyone of significance dying in the process and hepatitis-ridden loose change, and we move forward towards the final frontier. If you aren’t an advocate of sending the homeless to Mars, you’re not an advocate for the advancement of mankind.

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