Last night, The Bachelorette once again made reality TV unwatchable. Aside from occasional glimpses of Jojo in a bikini, we’re going to have to move along without the high-octane escapades of arguably the coolest cat in TV history: Chad “I’ll Punch Your Dad and Fuck Your Mom” Johnson. Not only did the guy have the same given name as NFL badboy and Twitter guru Chad Ochocinco, he managed to turn a show I only follow for the genius of Crick Watson MD into a damn marvel of modern television by fratting it up for a whole five weeks.
It’s safe to say that the group of guys they pick for this show more closely resemble a high school drama club than anything. The dudes in the house spend all their time tattling, undermining one another, and generally pining over a girl that’s going to pick Jordan Rodgers for a chance to get drunkenly knocked up by his big brother. It’s pathetic. Chad didn’t play that shit. He was too busy chowing down on raw sweet potatoes, praying at his protein shrine, and shoving a guy who looks like Jason Mantzoukas and Ted Cruz had a love child. I’m glad he ripped your stupid v-cut, Evan. Now get a haircut and stop wearing awful clothing. If it wasn’t for all this “feelings matter” bullshit, you’d have been at home jerking off to Facebook photos of old girlfriends as you listen to Kool & the Gang’s “Joanna” while Chad fingerblasted Jojo’s incredible poop chute in episode one. Instead, an alpha male was cut off by the runt of the litter.
Let’s break it down. Chad is a former Marine who sells luxury real estate in Tulsa, Oklahoma. If a guy can actually sell nice houses in fucking Tulsa, he can do just about anything. Have you ever been to Tulsa? I haven’t, but a quick flip through on the Google machine shows me the only cool thing about it is The Golden Driller (TFM). When a statue is your key selling point, you have to be a shark. Chad showed up dressed like a functional, non-V-neck wearing adult, so I can assume he does alright. He also managed to get an entire house full of pussies (excluding the Marine with massive balls, the war veteran who minds his own damn business, and the fire fighter who punches fire and saves lives) to cower in his presence. Dude made them feel the need to bring in a fucking security guard for crying out loud. When your masculinity means you’re getting a private monitor, there’s a strong chance that at least three dudes in the house have publicly peed their pants in the past year.
Not only is Chad just an awesome dude, your ex-girlfriend isn’t safe when he’s around. Just yesterday he posted on Instagram a picture with the ex-girlfriend of Robby, another contestant on the show. That’s a verified power move. He’s basically saying, “I see you cutting me out of the show, but I’m going to go bang some contestant’s ex because I can.” Love that.
Be like Chad, guys. Be the man who makes other men avert their gazes in shame while you walk past. Be the man who is willing to threaten the deceitful with a house visit. Eat your sweet potatoes fresh from the ground to show off your incredible jaw structure and mack on dimes as your enemies look on with their tails between their legs. It’s downright American. If he taught us anything, it’s that fake TV violence is always the answer, and that legends never die. As for you, ladies, find yourselves a guy that is willing to bring harm to those who deceive and demean you.
Go get your swerve on, C-Money. I’ll see you at GNC..
Image via Instagram/@RealChadJohnson