Sometimes it’s good to shop around and see if other people have the same answers as you do to life’s toughest questions. Every week, I’ll respond to the best “would you rather” questions that are either tweeted at me (@JaredBorislow) or emailed to me at email@example.com. Here are my answers to this week’s questions.
I actually shared a drink with George — I call him George — at Craig’s in West Hollywood last month (we were both there at the same time). There’s a paparazzi pic of us out there somewhere, probably. The buzz around WeHo is that I’m already in the Clooney crew. I’m expecting an invite to the Oscars next month (as an alternate seat filler) — just one of the perks of being down with GC.
With all that being said, even though I’m already in Clooney’s crew, I’d still suck off George if it meant I didn’t have to hang out with Lena Dunham for 30 minutes.
Would you rather Fuck Ham in the ass or get Fucked by Ham in the ass?
Ham, if you all aren’t aware, is the nickname of Micah, our podcast producer (whom we recently annihilated on the latest episode of The Inside TFM Podcast.
In order to avoid an HR complaint being filed against me, I cannot answer this question outright. All I can say is that there is no scenario in neither this nor any alternate universe in which I would ever elect to get fucked in the ass by Ham.
Blowjob questions seem to be y’alls go-to when it comes to The Weekly Would You Rather. I might as well rename this series Jared’s Dick Sucking Extravaganza.
All that aside, the answer here is quite obvious. The first 99% of a blowjob includes sucking a dick. The last 1% of a blowjob includes sucking a dick and taking a load. That’s why you choose to give the first 99%.
“But Jared,” you say, “in a different Weekly Would You Rather, when asked “Would you rather blow a dude for one minute and he jizzes, or twenty minutes but he doesn’t jizz?” you picked the jizz-taking option.” This is true. But this is a completely different scenario. See, in the old scenario, there was a hard (no pun intended) 20-minute timeframe. In the new one, the timeframe is what I make it. If I do my job right, that first 99% could potentially last less than a minute — with no cleanup necessary. The 99% option is the clear winner..
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