Welcome, Pledges — You’re In My World Now

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Nice Move

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Smell that, gentlemen? It’s the smell of fresh pledges. Hazing is my Viagra, and I’m ready to pop a few pills. Go ahead and call my doctor, because this boner is going to last well beyond four hours.

Rush is just around the corner, and I’m fucking pumped. After a summer of sacrificing my artificial sense of dignity and incredibly power-hungry ego for the sake of kissing a high school student’s ass, I am ready to receive the fruits of my labor.

Pledges take a lot of heat. I feel that as a writer for the prestigious and esteemed online literary site that is TotalFratMove, I am obliged to pen the most eloquently written letter to our incoming pledges that my semi-inebriated mind can piece together.

You see, pledges, I actually like you fools. I wouldn’t have given you a bid if I thought you were a fuck. (Well, unless you happen to be a shitbag legacy. Fuck you.) The issue here is that I’m a lazy piece of crap. The thought of any more time having to personally clean my own bathrooms and remove unidentified objects from the fraternity house showers is aneurism-inducing.

Okay, fine, I secretly love you little servants. My quality of life increases dramatically the day you first step foot in the house as official pledges. I don’t do what I do out of hatred. It’s just that you have to earn your way in, and as an active, I feel it is my duty to be the most entitled jackass you’ve ever encountered. If you have no skin in the game, I cannot realistically expect you to feel a sense of pride in my prodigious organization.

You’re not entering a club. When you accept your bid, we’re not going to email you a schedule of our meeting dates and snack assignments. If you’re seeking an organization with a revolving door membership and no barriers to entry, please attend your university’s club showcase and avoid my rush altogether. Save me the hassle of cutting your ass.

As I said above, the entire point of pledgeship (one that SAE seems to have disregarded completely) is to have you earn your way into the organization. Thousands of men have come before you and laid the groundwork for you to enjoy the benefits associated with being initiated into the fraternity. Several pledge classes full of brothers who feel as if everything will simply fall into place for them without constantly working to improve the chapter is enough to destroy even the most historic chapters.

While you may hate every fiber of my being while you are dressed in coat and tie in 100 degree weather on game day, or while you’re picking up my heavily-intoxicated self from the campus bars at 3 a.m., it all has a purpose. Ultimately, the goal is to make you respect what is given to you. It is to make you bond with a group of guys you will be with for the rest of your life, while forcing you to understand that the best things in life aren’t given to you. Whether it’s a high-level corporate job or the respect of your peers, everything requires hard work and determination to reach your goals and reap the rewards.

One day, you’ll recall the semester you spent as the bitch of a drunken 21-year-old and laugh about the crazy experiences you were lucky enough to have. I understand it sucks at the time, but it is something you’ll forever cherish and be proud of once you’ve completed it.

There is nothing more enjoyable than spending your Saturday from sun up to sun down with your pledge brothers in a coat and tie. You’re all in this together, and there will be times you question whether it’s all worth it. It is. Know that all of the long hours and inconveniences will allow you to reap benefits for the rest of your life.

Don’t take anything personally–it’s all part of the process. However, know the difference between productive “hazing” (I hate even using that word to describe such menial tasks) such as designated driving, cleaning the fraternity house, or being asked to do seemingly trivial tasks at the request of a torpid brother and abusive hazing performed at the discretion of a psychopathic dick. There is a difference: one is tolerable, the other is unacceptable.

Someone once told me, “pledgeship is the most fun you never want to have again,” and that is the most honest thing you’ll ever hear.

Welcome aboard, pledges. I genuinely hope that each and every one of you are initiated and become the best brothers your chapter has ever seen.

With all of that said, let me be the first to tell you this: “Go fuck yourself, pledge.”

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