To the members of the TFM Nation:
I am getting quite emotional about this, and am struggling to hold back tears, so I’m just going to respond by going overboard with jokes to hide the fact that I’m upset, because that’s what people with big penises do.
See, on July 9, I, Jonah Falcon, was stopped by the lovely folks at the San Francisco International Airport, where I was taken aside and frisked. The cause for concern, apparently, was because I had a bulging package strapped down the side of my left leg that looked like I was smuggling in a captured hippopotamus.
You can only imagine my embarrassment when the young lady straddling my appendage slowly realized that what she was patting down was not drugs or WMD, but the world’s largest dong. And as the Size Queen’s eyes lit up like she was blinded by a solar eclipse, a deep sense of guilt came over me, as I knew that no matter how loving her husband was, she would never look at his modestly-sized goo bazooka the same way again.
The realization that I have once again contributed to this nation’s divorce rate disgusts me.
So thank you, my countrymen, for being so supportive during this time of tremendous turbulence for me. Night after night I find myself restless, unable to sleep, tossing and turning (mainly because my penis constantly gets uncomfortably pinched behind my knees).
It’s hard (so hard) having to deal with this life-altering condition, walking down city streets and knowing that no matter how I try, I will never have what is considered to be average sized genitalia for an American male. Sometimes I curse God. Sometimes I curse my father for the excess of y-chromosome that he impregnated my mother with. And sometimes I curse all those damn hot pockets, the steroid of the smooth boy.
But I will move past this ordeal, like I have so many other times. I sincerely thank all of you, and it brings me so much relief that it just unleashes a gigantic, sticky load off of me.
Thank you for keeping me in your prayers.
- [via Huffington Post ]