What A Fraternity Says During Recruitment And What It Actually Means

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What they say: We have the best brotherhood at the university.
What they mean: Our fraternity is a toxic dystopian wasteland for attractive women.

This house is a “do not enter” zone for any mildly attractive single girl — a radioactive contaminated Chernobyl of clitoris. Any female that walks through those doors is either off limits — in a long term relationship with another brother — or repulsive ghouls waiting for you to slip up in a moment of weakness and devour your face.

Wearing their letters around campus is basically like rocking a giant swastika. Your sheer presence alone makes most uncomfortable, people go out of their way to avoid you, and those that you do come into interaction with never got over their teenage metalhead phase.

What they say: We won the university’s Chapter of the Year award.
What they mean: We’re the only chapter that filled out the application paperwork.

This is the participation award of Greek life, and they’re the only guys that bothered to show up. Congrats, you were the assholes that forced three brothers that nobody likes to fill out a 20 page packet. Here’s your trophy.

It’s the equivalent of hiring a busty escort as arm candy for your high school reunion. At first glance, everyone’s like “Whoa, look at that winner over there. He must be killing it.” But then, two minutes into the conversation, it’s apparent you just brought a hooker to your ten year.

What they say: We’re a diverse group of guys.
What they mean: We’re all carbon copies of one another, but a few brothers are a slightly darker shade.

Sure they all have mandated gym hours, the same Peaky Blinders haircut, and a similar sense of humor that revolves around quoting decade old Will Ferrell movies, but they’re a diverse group of kids. I mean look over there. Kevin’s half black, they have a few hispanics, and even sprinkle in an Asian. Now that’s affirmative action.

What they say: We have connections at all the local bars.
What they mean: Brothers that graduated five years ago are still working at local bars.

They can help you climb the corporate ladder. If you start bar-backing sophomore year, there’s a decent possibility you could be working side bar by…let’s say 25. Welcome to living the dream.

What they say: Academics come first.
What they mean: Don’t worry about grades. We’ll take you off the GPA report if you have under a 3.0.

They fluctuate anywhere between 130 brothers to 45 brothers depending on the time of the year.

What they say: We’re like middle-upper tier.
What they mean: We’re extremely active on Greek ranking websites.

Do you like to talk something you’re apart of up to overcompensate for your own crippling insecurities? Are you a fan of anonymous internet forums? Do you derive your self worth from delusional stories you keep telling yourself and others that keep getting more and more exaggerated as time passes? This is the place for you.

What they say: We’ll work with you to help figure out a payment plan for the fraternity.
What they mean: No one in the chapter is current on dues.

Can’t pay? Don’t worry. No one can. They’re actually starting to dip into the graduate scholarship fund to pay IFC dues. Once someone does an audit on the fraternity’s budget and this eventually catches up to them, they’ll just clean house and send everyone to collections. Might as well go down with the bankrupt ship.

What they say: (Insert random celebrity) is an alumni of this house.
What they mean: (Insert random celebrity) hasn’t acknowledged our existence since he left.

He ain’t walking back through that door.

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