Columns

What Girls Who “Don’t Give Blow Jobs” Don’t Understand About Blow Jobs

Screen Shot 2015-05-14 at 9.16.51 AM

There is a troubling trend permeating its way through the bowels of our great society like a warm, humid, lingering beer fart. That’s right, I’m talking about this new trend of girls who “don’t give blowjobs.” They wear it as a point of pride, as if to say that they are too good to polish a guy’s bowling trophy, yet they still expect men to tongue punch their lunch box.

They hide behind the guise of female empowerment and being the “HBIC,” when in truth the real power lies in a girl who understands the sheer power of a quality blowjob. Oral skills are powerful assets that shouldn’t be taken for granted. The “ew, penises are yucky” crowd has it all wrong, and they will ultimately suffer the consequences for their blasphemy.

It’s a real bloodbath in the trenches when women are fighting for men in the Battle of the Bulge. While men believe there are plenty of fish in the sea, women have much more specific tastes, which narrows their dating pool and makes it much more competitive. It’s classic human nature. That being said, one of the most effective ways for a girl to get the upper hand is high quality fellatio skills, while on the other side of the coin the quickest way for a girl to disqualify herself is to be the girl who “doesn’t give blowjobs.”

Now of course, I know there are numerous other factors in choosing a woman, such as looks, career, hobbies, and personality, but the one thing that will be permanently etched into a guy’s memory is a quality blowski. As good as the sex may be, the sex all pretty much blends together, because even good sex is still just sex, but as a guy, I very distinctly remember the girls who gave me the best mouth hugs I have ever received. That’s real power.

Hot girls who go down low get hotter. It’s pure, solid science. Unattractive women? Well, they kind of have to if they even want to stand a chance. But blow jobs are not just weapons for the dating world. Women in well-established relationships can also benefit from being pro-beej, while the anti-fellatio girlfriends will likely have their boyfriend looking elsewhere. Remember ladies, somewhere out there is a girl who wants to steal your boyfriend, and she’s willing to get down on her knees to do so. Do not underestimate how many keeper points blow jobs will get you.

Girlfriends who understand how much of an asset world-class oral skills are almost always find themselves in happy relationships, and if she likes doing it, even better for her. A smart girl knows that she can get just about anything she wants with good beejes, from simple reciprocation to blood diamonds. Remember guys, it isn’t true love unless you kill someone for it. But I digress. The point I’m making is that girlfriends who pull this power play will find themselves in more favorable give-and-take relationships and are more likely to get a ring, while the girls who “don’t give blowjobs” will end up budgeting for a household’s worth of cat food. But hey, that’s the price of feeling empowered, right? Being the cat lady?

So girls who give the shaft to the shaft, let me offer some advice. Get off your high horse and realize that being able to give a toe-curler is not slutty or desperate. It is heavy artillery for your arsenal. Pride cometh before our fall, and if you are so self-absorbed and involved in the narcissistic notion that you are too good for such an activity, you’re going to die alone and unhappy. It’s a brutal truth. Unless you don’t mind being the single 50-year-old woman telling girls at the bar half your age that you want to bang the bus boy. Not that I’m judging. I guess everyone needs a hobby. If you don’t want to take my advice, so be it, and if that’s the case, good luck.

Image via Shutterstock

Email this to a friend

5OClockShadow

"Technically, Pablo Escobar was in sales."

62 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account

Show Comments

For More Photos and Content

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take TFM with you. Get

Latest From The TFM Store

(If you like this shirt, buy it and we'll make it.)

New Stories

Load More