What I’m Buying When My Bracket Wins $1,000,000,000

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Nice Move

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By now, I’m sure you’ve heard of Warren Buffett’s billion dollar bracket challenge. I’m here to apologize. It’s already been won, so just give up your hopes of glory now. There is literally a zero percent chance I’ve failed. You’re more likely to see an Obama dick pic on TMZ than to see me call a single game incorrectly.

Since it’s so in the bag, I’ve gone ahead and taken the liberty of drawing up my post-victory shopping list. A billion goes a long way, and personally I can’t wait to make my dreams come true while simultaneously crushing the spirits of millions of other people. Here are the first 20 things I’m going to purchase.

  1. A hitman to finally take care of that Justin Bieber problem.
  2. My rival fraternity house, just so I can burn it to the ground and piss on the ashes.
  3. Mexico (for drug connections).
  4. A guy to follow me around every time I get drunk with a GoPro camera.
  5. A really fucking big boat.
  6. Pay the creators of “The Bachelor” to make me the lead for the next 14 seasons.
  7. Pay Nickelback to stop making music forever.
  8. See also: The Black Eyed Peas.
  9. Every single bar in my college town, just to name them all after myself.
  10. Twenty minutes alone with Kate Upton’s chest cannons.
  11. A direwolf. I don’t care if they don’t exist–with a billion to spend, someone could make it happen.
  12. Pay the creators of “Pretty Little Liars” to retire so Twitter is no longer worthless on Tuesday nights.
  13. Finance a new album from The Baja Men. I’ve always wondered if the dogs ever came back.
  14. A Chevy Tahoe replica made entirely out of cocaine.
  15. Personally finance a “Top Gun” reboot starring myself as Maverick.
  16. A controlling stake in Grandex, just so I could fire the interns.
  17. Early access to the next season of “House of Cards.”
  18. Thirty Golden Retriever puppies and a trainer to teach them how to recreate scenes from “Air Bud.”
  19. Every single beer in the state of Alabama, just to see the chaos that unfolds afterward.
  20. The moon. Don’t ask me how, but I’ll find a way.

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