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What Kind Of Drinker You Are, Based On Your Zodiac Sign

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How much do you drink? Do you never even have one drop of alcohol ever? Or do you only get drunk on special occasions and holidays? Or do you just get hammered as shit every single weekend? Maybe every damn day? Also, on top of that, how much SHOULD you drink? Are you a huge lightweight? Or can you take like 600 shots and not feel shit?

Am I using too many question marks at this point? Well no matter what, I can accurately guess how big of a drinker you are using a system based on astrology. Both you and all your friends can read this and be blown away by the accuracy. These things are so true that it’s actually kind of scary.

Here’s how big of a drinker you are, based on your zodiac sign:

Aries

You drink waaaaay too much. You’re a party animal! Your whole friend group knows you as the crazy one who always gets the drunkest! LOL. Just kidding. Astrology isn’t real, dumbass.

Taurus

You like to drink on special occasions. You’re definitely not a heavy drinker, but you’re no angel, either. You’re in the happy medium. You’re responsible but you know how to have fun. Just kidding. Astrology isn’t real, you dumb piece of shit.


Gemini

You’re always the designated driver when you and your squad go out. You’re the responsible one. You might get a little tipsy but that’s it! Just kidding. Astrology isn’t real, you naive douchebag.

Cancer

You can never hold your liquor. You always think you can, but every weekend you go overboard, vomit everywhere, and wake up with a raging hangover! Yikes! I’m just kidding. Astrology is fake, you idiot. Also, you have cancer.

Leo

Leos are known as natural leaders! They’re bold, so they always show their dominance by getting the drunkest, because that’s just in their nature! Nope, none of that is true. Astrology is not real, asshole.

Virgo

You only drink socially. You hate getting drunk alone because you just fall asleep. So you only drink when you hit the bars and the clubs with your friends. But when you do, the party is on! But not really, though, because astrology ain’t real, go pour rat poison into a shot glass.


Libra

Whenever you get drunk, you get super loud and crazy. So you gotta be careful and remember to control yourself so you don’t get too rambunctious, because you’re kind of a lightweight! Be careful! But none of that is true, because astrology isn’t real. Also you have no friends.

Scorpio

You hate drinking because every single time you get drunk, you throw up immediately! You’re like the mother of the group; you just take care of your drunk friends. People appreciate you, though! Except not really, because astrology isn’t real. Go jump into a tiger exhibit with steak stapled to your stomach.

Sagittarius

You don’t like taking shots because they make you dizzy, but you’ll drink light beer all night! Bring on the Bud Lights, baby! Except not really, because astrology is a fictional thing invented by bored, pretentious white girls with nothing better to do.

Capricorn

You’re a major heavyweight! You can take like seven shots in five minutes and only feel buzzed! Wow! Just kidding. Astrology is fake. Go eat an AIDS sandwich.

Aquarius

You rarely drink, but when you do, you go all out! You get absolutely hammered and you’re basically the life of the party! Not really, though. Astrology isn’t real.

Pisces

You don’t think alcohol. You only drink the blood of young children that you just sacrificed to the devil.

That one’s actually true.

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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