What The 2016 Candidates Really Stand For On Certain Issues

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Politicians suck. Most of what they say is complete and utter BS. I’ve taken the liberty of condensing their brain vomit into an understandable form so everyone can see where the candidates really stand on important issues.

The Middle East

Hillary Clinton: We will continue our hands-off, no-fucks policy of accidentally killing civilians with drones, thus creating a never ending population of future terrorists to kill so my friends and I can get rich forever fight for democracy around the globe.

Donald Trump: Deport all Arabian people back to Arabia. Then find some nice real estate in the upper east side of Ali Baba and fill it with 3,000 megatons of weapons-grade immigrant repellent. Let the fucker burn and cash the insurance check at the bank.

Gary Johnson: IDGAF.

Jill Stein: We can all learn to share Mother Earth together. The Middle East is in pain and we can heal it with LOVE. Everyone, together now, hold hands and love! No more bombs. No more suffering. Love the problems of the world away. We can do it! Go Team Green!

The Economy

Hillary: Wall Street knows what they’re doing, okay? They’re professionals. We should completely trust the invisible hand of the market, which happens to be fingering me right now.

Trump: America is a business. I’m great at growing businesses and then raping them senseless for personal profit. Trump do what Trump does. If you don’t like it, you’re fucking fired.

Johnson: Fair tax, the Occam’s razor of equality. Sure it’s impractical and probably won’t work, but I’m swinging for the fences here, people.

Stein: Money is an oppressive tool of the elite. The bankers are screwing us all with money, and stocks, and markets and stuff. Let’s take America back to a safer and more stable seashell-based economy.

National Security

Hillary: The government has the right to access the email of everyone on the planet except for me.

Trump: I AM national security. Fuck NATO. Fuck the world. If you don’t like it, you can suck my thermonuclear dick.

Johnson: Stop whacking bee hives with baseball bats.

Stein: If you want to stop the bad men from hacking your thoughts through Wi-Fi, you can easily make a tinfoil hat. Empower yourself.

Education

Hillary: Unlike Bernie’s socialist wet dream of universal education, I prefer a world where only the ultra-rich can afford to go to school. We wouldn’t want the poors to figure out how poor they are, now would we? Cackle Cackle Cackle.

Trump: Trump University is back, baby! Everyone is accepted. You just have to sign over any property you have as collateral for the $100,000 orientation fee. If you don’t have any property, we do accept souls as a valid form of tuition. Your degree is redeemable for one chicken nugget at participating McDonald’s locations.

Johnson: The government shouldn’t have anything to do with education. Kids can learn how to read good and do other things good too on their own.

Stein: Cancel all student debt using quantitative easing… somehow… Abolish formal education and let the tribal elders handle the oral tradition of passing down wisdom from one generation to the next.

Campaign Reform

Hillary: Oh yes, SuperPACs are terrible, terrible things which I lube up and mercilessly slide inside me on a regular basis. Ooops, I mean, I will fight for the rights of private interests to control America — I mean, our Republic is based on money, I mean, the pen is blue!

Trump: Campaign reform? Who cares? I don’t need anybody’s money. I’m Donald motherfucking Trump. If I want a billion dollars’ worth of free advertising, I find a camera and say “Hillary huffs her own queefs” and I go viral like Zika at an orgy in a Brazilian waterpark.

Johnson: I actually (to a fault) agree with Citizens United. Money is speech and the first amendment protects the rights of corporate persons to create SuperPACs that allow anonymous donors to write blank checks to candidates in exchange for ambiguous sexual favors in the future. I can’t fight this. I need a SuperPAC to stand a chance. Will somebody please make a SuperPAC for me? Somebody? Please? Anybody! PLEASE THE WORLD NEEDS TO FEEL THE JOHNSON!!!

Stein: Yes, I believe that Super Pacman was the definitive game of an era. Without a doubt I would do everything in my power to protect such an important cultural icon from being disparaged by the scheming agenda of new-age 3D games that distract us from our primal 2D reality.

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