As you all know, the Super Bowl following the 2013 NFL season was a complete dumpster fire from the start. Within minutes, Richard Sherman and the Seahawks made complete mincemeat out of the Broncos’ high-powered offense in what quickly became one of the more boring Super Bowls in recent memory. The impact of this game manifested itself in different ways throughout the country, but as for my house’s Super Bowl party, things went sour in a hurry. My house consists of more Denver fans than I’d like to admit, and one can imagine how they reacted when the game was basically over in the first quarter. Around the house, one man could be seen sitting on the floor, keg tap in hand, tears streaming down his face. Another had brought an eighteen of Busch to drink over the course of the game, but had completely polished it off before Manning’s second interception. He was sound asleep on the couch. One brother punched a hole in the wall, another was dialing his ex. Our house was a war zone, and everyone lost that day. In the interest of avoiding this kind of spectacle if things get lopsided in this year’s game, I’ve provided some advice for how to handle it.
Know the allegiances.
If your house consists primarily of Panthers or Broncos fans, there’s only a fifty-fifty chance that things will all go to shit. Your strategy will have to depend on the early goings of the game. So let’s imagine that your brothers are Denver fans, and Peyton Manning goes out there and plays like, well, a 39-year-old with a bad neck and noodle arm. What you’re going to have to do in order to prevent property destruction is siphon off the reserves of alcohol. If there are ten thirty-racks of beer in the kitchen, you’ll probably want to hide four or five. Be careful; hide too much, and people will get suspicious. Hide too little, and you’re dealing with significantly more holes in the drywall. If there is gameday punch, you’ll need to water it down quite a bit. If by some chance your house has significant numbers of Denver and Carolina fans, then you’re fucked. You’re fucking fucked.
Have a plan for a short game.
If this game is a blowout, don’t bet on too many people being around to watch Luke Kuechly make any more fundamentally solid tackles in the waning minutes. Chances are you were going to rage after the game anyway, so you might as well have your postgame festivities ready to go in the early afternoon. This will ensure a smooth transition from watching the game to throwing down. I’ve seen too many Super Bowl parties where people get wasted during the game, fall asleep, and aren’t heard from again. It’s necessary to keep things moving, especially in the wake of a blowout.
Say fuck it and set up an elaborate betting ring.
This is all going to be under the table, with cash and Venmo being acceptable methods for transactions. So the game has long gone to shit, but a lot of brothers are still watching. Instead of cradling your beer and watching the remainder of the snoozefest at hand, this is the time when a little creativity can go a long way. When you’ve already taken bets for every meaningful facet of the actual football game, it’s time to look to your brothers for inspiration. Bet one of them that he won’t shotgun a beer for every touchdown scored. Take bets on who will puke first, or who will break something first. One of the reasons that this country of ours is the greatest on the planet is that it hosts the premier sporting event of the year. It’s only right that you show your patriotism by bringing the American spirit of entrepreneurship to the drunk proceedings of your Super Sunday. I’ve got the Panthers taking it home, 27-22.
Now watch the real champions of the football field in action…
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