What To Do When You Nut Too Fast: A 4-Step Guide

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Nice Move

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So you’re knocking boots with some lovely lady. Maybe she’s a one night stand you just met at some dive bar, maybe you met her on tinder and sweet-talked her through text while taking a massive morning dump, maybe she’s your long term girlfriend. Either way, you’re enjoying yourself. You’re having more fun than Kanye listening to a Kanye album. You’re awkwardly ramming against her on the couch while another South Park rerun blares in the background, and you’re starting to enjoy yourself a little TOO much. You start to feel a tingle, and before you know it, your flare gun goes off and blasts everywhere.

And while there’s nothing wrong with spilling your McFlurry, you were only 30 seconds in. Your lady friend hasn’t even gotten close yet, and you’ve already created a white abstract art piece on her stomach almost immediately. There’s an awkward tension in the air and the girl is disgruntled and disappointed. You just blew it. Yikes.

You’re probably pretty embarrassed. Which is understandable. How do you deal with such an uncomfortable situation? How do you cope with the extreme awkwardness? How do try to explain yourself like OJ Simpson with blood in his car? Let’s break it down. Here are your options.

1. CLEAN UP IMMEDIATELY

You just blasted all over this chicks body like a whipped cream firehouse way too early and without warning. You need to control the situation. Wipe all that gross shit off before it sticks and gets crusty like left-out oatmeal. Help her clean up this civilization of dead babies laying on her chesticles. Time is of the essence. Go grab a towel ASAP. If you can’t find a towel within 22 seconds, use your sock, your boxers or her cat.

2. APOLOGIZE

This one is obvious. Apologize immediately. Get on a podium like a celebrity at an emergency press conference, show your regrets and apologize profusely for letting down your community. Apologize quicker than 2009 Chris Brown. Get on Larry King’s TV show with your attorney and show that this was out of character for you. Give the girl that cliche, overused line: “I swear this usually never happens.” Dust off that old classic.

3. TRY TO REBOOT

How’s your reboot time? If you unleash a load can you get hard again in 5 minutes? 10 minutes? 20? 30? Collect yourself mentally then get back in the zone and do everything you can to get your junk harder than an Olympic triathlon as quick as you can. Once you’re locked and loaded, get back in there and try again. This time you’ll probably last longer. Make up for lost time. Try to get this girl to cum at least once so she doesn’t regret coming to your smelly apartment at 1am when she could be at home binge watching The Dark Knight trilogy.

4. TRY TO PREVENT IT IN THE FUTURE

Be proactive and make a plan. Come up with a strategy next time your balls deep in stinky pink so you don’t finish too quick ever again in your godforsaken life. Make a mental list of things to think about to avoid cumming too quick. Diarrhea, Michael Bay, genocide. If you REALLY wanna be safe, next time you don’t wanna bust too quick think of a Wally Bryton article. Works every time.

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