What To Do When Your Girlfriend Is Terrible In Bed, From A Girl’s Perspective

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What To Do When Your Girlfriend Is Terrible In Bed, From A Girl's Perspective

A few weeks ago, the fine gentlemen of TFM retweeted some columns I had written a while back, namely, “How To Actually Get A Girl To Show You Her Tits (Written By A Girl)” and “How To Properly Take A Dick Pic, From A Lady.” This caused, much to my entertainment, a flood of emails to come heading my way. Once I sorted through the “I dare you to show me your tits” ones (did I teach you NOTHING?), there were some decent emails asking for my advice. And while I’m truly scared that these people will one day be out in the real world using such horrific grammar, I figured I owed it to them to answer — and to all of you to share my responses.

Ok so me and this girl are talking right she’s a total babe right nice rack nice ass fucking gorgeous, alright well were “unofficially official” so we’re talking she says she fuck with me only and I fuck with her and we chill a bunch and do all stuff but what do I need to do to knock off that unofficially part? it bothers me her friend has said step back a little but cause I’m big at sending cute texts and she loves em cause I’m a “charmer” as I’ve been called should I just start kinda ignoring her or playing it off like I’m not as interested or what?

a concerned partner

I love this question, because you want the exact opposite of what almost every other guy in the world wants. You are regularly fucking “a total babe right nice rack nice ass fucking gorgeous” who doesn’t want to lock you down – which, from what I understand, is the dream woman of every single college guy on the planet – and you actually want her to husband you up. There’s like 500 dudes reading this right now and calling you a moron.

But let’s focus on getting you what you want: this girl as your official lady. Truth be told, I’m not a big fan of the whole “backing off to get him/her to want you more” move. It can backfire, big time. It’s sort of like when I gave up Diet Coke – I craved it hardcore for a few days, and then I was over it when I discovered I actually enjoyed lemon water. Ghost on her, and she’ll think about it for a few days, and then some other dude will sweep in to grab your nice-racked sloppy seconds, and you’ll become a mere footnote in her sexual history.

Instead, why don’t you ask her on a real, actual date? One that does not involve a couch, a bed, or nakedness. And takes place at an actual restaurant, where a waiter brings you food, and includes conversation besides what to watch on Netflix while you “chill”? And during that conversation, slide in that “this was nice” and “maybe we should do this more often.” She’ll get the hint that you’re looking for more than a hookup. And if she’s not interested…fuck her. (Figuratively. Not literally. You’d actually need to stop fucking her literally.) There’s a million hot girls out there who, because of their daddy issues, would love to lock down any guy that even utters the word official.

Hey so my girlfriend said I’m awful in bed and I need help. Ok so she says for one that when I’m going down on her it’s just pretty bad all around, she never seems to be all that into foreplay in general. Once we’re having sex she seems to be a little more into it but she never really shows a ton of emotion. Maybe some girls are just like that but I’ve never had a girl before that is just near silent while fucking the way she is. She loves to be on top and we mix it up with doggy and a few other positions every once in a while but nothing seems to satisfy her. I know I don’t have the biggest shlong in the world at 6 1/2 inches and no bigger around than a jumbo sharpie but I’ve never had this problem with a girl ever.

I literally don’t understand this girl at all. Any girl that doesn’t love foreplay is weird to me. Hell, 76% of the time I enjoy foreplay more than the actual act. I look back on the makeout sessions of junior high with wistful thoughts of how much I’d like to re-do some of those today.

But let’s say you care about this weirdo, and you want to stay with her, so we need to rectify the situation. Odds are, it’s not you or our “jumbo sharpie” dick. There are just some women that have an incredibly difficult time getting off, and I thank the lucky stars on a daily basis that I am not one of them. But my guess would be that she’s figured out by now what works for her, and you are going to need her to show you. Two suggestions:

1.) Ask her to let you watch her get herself off, and study those moves like Tom Brady studies game film. Watch intently, take notes if you have to.

2.) Ask her to engage in a little slave/master role-play, where she tells you exactly what she wants you to do when and how. She’s going to tell you to do the things that make her toes curl, and you can then file them away for later use.

If neither of those works…well, it may just be time to cut your losses and move on. I think compatibility in bed is just as important as compatibility outside of it, and sometimes you just don’t have both. And no one wants to be in a relationship where one is missing.

I’m still sorting through the plethora of emails in my inbox, so if you’ve got a question, hit me up at 2NOTBrokeGirls@gmail.com

There really did used to be 2NOTBrokeGirls, but since one of them spent all of her money on shoes and vodka, there's now just one (financially stable) J, who is too lazy to change her user name. J spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to go to graduate school, and documenting her love of all things cheese related. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @2NOTBrokeGirls on Twitter or 2NOTBrokeGirls@gmail.com.

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