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What You Tell Your Parents vs. What You’re Really Doing

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Having just let her baby leave the nest to embark on the biggest adventure of his or her young life, better known as “college,” Mom wants to check in frequently to make sure you’re staying on the straight-and-narrow while keeping your grades up. It’s Mom, and we love her, so we take her phone calls and answer her texts and emails.

However, constant interaction eventually forces you to become a professional bullshitter…

“I need to go to sleep. I have class early in the morning.”

It’s 10 o’clock and I really need to start drinking.

“I’m making all A’s and B’s.”

I’m making all C’s and D’s.

“I think I’m becoming addicted to caffeine.”

I regularly pay for and ingest Adderall to help me study, a substance that’s illegal to possess without a prescription.

“Me and the boys are having a low-key night.”

I won’t be able to feel my face in three hours.

“You said I could use it in case of emergency.”

I used the card to purchase five kegs when we started to run low.

“It’s difficult waking up for my 8:00am classes.”

I haven’t attended a single one of my 8:00am classes this semester.

“I’m talking to a new girl.”

I’m wifed up.

“Yeah, I’ve met a few cute girls in class.”

I got laid last night in the middle of our annual foam party.

“I’m not seeing anyone right now.”

I’m pulling out all the stops to get laid as often as possible.

“My fraternity brothers are all really great guys.”

My fraternity brothers are all complete scumbags.

“I can’t wait for you to meet all the guys when you come in town for Parents’ Weekend.”

Parents’ Weekend is something I dread, and is a potential disaster waiting to happen.

“I don’t think it’d be a good idea for you to bring Sarah with you when you come to visit. There will be alcohol here, and some other things I’d rather her not see.”

There is no way I’m letting my little sister get violated by these animals.

“I told you, Mom, I don’t believe in hazing.”

My goal is to haze until I make every single member of this pledge class cry.

“Spring break was pretty fun.”

You would disown me if you knew how I spent spring break.

“Yeah, I mean, I’m trying to stay in shape.”

The only exercise I’ve gotten in the past six months was during intramural softball, and I played catcher, and I was high as a kite.

“I’m considering taking summer classes to get ahead on my hours.”

This place is so much better than home.

“Of course I use protection.”

I have never purchased condoms. Prayer is my only contraceptive.

“I like one of my professors a lot, and the rest are just okay.”

I can only name one of my professors.

“I’m thinking about switching majors.”

I want to delay graduation for as long as humanly possible.

“C’s get degrees.”

I may never graduate.

“I sold my books today, but they only paid me $25 for all of them.”

I sold my books months ago, got $180 back, and spent every cent of that at the liquor store immediately.

***


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Dillon Cheverere

Dillon Cheverere (@DCheverere) is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. He's a native Texan with a full head of hair and knows his way around a nice box of red wine. Dorn graduated (BBA) with a GPA sitting in the meaty part of the bell curve, not lagging behind, but not trying to show off, either. Golf is his game now. He's long off the tee but can't putt for shit. Email: dillon@grandex.co

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