What Your 4th Of July Outfit Says About You

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Nice Move

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The celebration of the independence of the greatest nation on this planet is about freedom and democracy and the American dream and beer and burgers and American women in bikinis and being with friends and the lake and fireworks and national pride, but it’s also about faux patriotism and red, white, and blue one-upmanship.

Celebrating the United States and donning her colors is always welcomed and encouraged, but taken too far, it becomes about you. Let’s not make it about you. The good news for you is, as an American, you’re free to dress as you please on this beautiful day. The bad news is I’m about to call your ass out for it.

Below are your Fourth of July outfits and what they say about you.

The quadruple-up

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Our flag is beautiful, granted. A beacon of freedom and possibility, even. But what are you trying to prove here? This look says you’re an entry level try-hard. A classic example of falling victim to the one-upmanship phenomenon of patriotic attire. One American flag covered piece of apparel says you love our country. Two says you love it more than those around you, and we don’t take kindly to that. Four, though, it says you’re trying too hard to out-patriot everyone, and we’re not having it. Tone it down, Uncle Sam.

Speaking of Uncle Sam…

Uncle Sam

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You better have one hell of a personality to keep pace with this outfit. It says you’re the class clown, not just of the Fourth, but of life. You better show up drunk and maintain a level of outlandish and debaucherous behavior almost unachievable throughout the life of this outfit if you want to pull it off. It can be done, but if you fail, you’re going to hear it from the rest of us. It’s a bold choice.

American flag trunks + unimpressive physique

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I call this one The All-American. Star and Stripes on the trucks to leave no doubt where your affiliation lies, but in an understated and down-to-business manner. A physique that boasts your lackadaisical, carefree, American-spirited nature brings the look together. It says you’re not there to create a sideshow and measure your American dick next to the other partygoers, but rather to celebrate the independence of your country and just drink a fuckton of American beer and eat about a million hotdogs. Throw in a seductive lakeside power lay and some wayfarers, and we’re talking pure American hombre. Tell me you wouldn’t drink a beer with this guy.

One very loud article of American-themed clothing

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Acceptable. Much like the Uncle Sam getup, it’s tough to maintain the expected level of raucous behavior to keep up with the expectations of your attire, but it can be done. And it can be effective. It says you love America, but you love to party almost as much.

General over-the-topness

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This outfit says you’d likely fail the United States citizenship test but you start U-S-A chants at the bar. It’s next level try-hard and it says you’re making this 4th of July more about you than about celebrating the birth of our nation. Don’t be this guy. Fuck this guy.

This category also covers the guy who shows up in an American flag speedo and American flag bow tie. Fuck you.

Always a winner

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This look right here. Always a winner.


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