We all make our judgments about those outside Greek Life drinking their spiel of Smirnoffs and Mike’s Hard Lemonade. It’s sickening to think about them at their apartment “ragers” with that one keg someone’s creepy older friend bought them. Of course, as fraternity gentlemen, we wouldn’t be caught dead with such degrading drinks, but what do the drinks we carry tell the world about us?
I’m fun. By fun, I mean I’ll dance stupidly for a while and then want to destroy everything within a reasonable distance of me.
You’d think that tequila drinkers would be the life of the party, but unfortunately they tend to leave the actual party to wreak havoc elsewhere. Most people consider getting kicked out of the club for “inhumane acts against nature” to be a pretty solid ending to a night, but not tequila drinkers. Their stretch of chaos must endure multiple clubs, multiple security run-ins, and sometimes multiple mistresses. Unfortunately for the tequila drinker, when waking up across town in that funny smelling room, he is usually met with the realization that his “Brooklyn Decker lookalike” has a barely-there mustache and a muffin top that could feed a small village.
I’m a gentleman, and can have an enjoyable night without causing too much trouble. I’m dressed way nicer than everyone else here, because I believe I handle my liquor better than anyone. I tend to travel around the party and seek out the sorority talent, and impress them with my humor and surprisingly sober attitude.
While half the time that attitude is an amazing act, drinking expensive whiskey definitely gets you noticed, and tends to make you popular at parties due to your humor and amazing ability to not puke. Unfortunately, expensive whiskey drinkers also tend to have “relapses” of sorts in which they’ll act like cheap whiskey drinkers (see below).
I’m here to get WASTED. Screw class. This is a party, not a job interview, am I right?! God, why is this button-down so restricting? *Unbuttons immediately.* Oh hell yes, this is my song! *Starts to dance with girl in a way that resembles a mild seizure. Girls finds the cheap whiskey drinker charming, due to his funny actions and surprising self-confidence.*
Due to their alarming self-confidence, cheap whiskey drinkers are also a very large portion of your angry and kleptomaniac drunks. They also tend to have trouble forming coherent sentences. Cheap Whiskey drinkers tend to be the life of the party, and usually are stuck tracking down the majority of their clothes the next morning.
I’m here to get drunk, but want to retain a few small shreds of dignity tomorrow. I’ll just mix this 50/50 rum and coke and see where the night takes me. *2 hours later.* What the fuck? WHO STARTED SPINNING THIS ROOM? STOP THAT! I knew I shouldn’t have messed with the kraken!
Due to the relative ease of mixing rum in large quantities, rum drinkers often end up drunk the fastest, and tend to be the stars of the show until the whiskey drinkers start feeling their buzz. Unfortunately, that also means rum drinkers tend to blackout first and are the ones who wake up with a drunk Picasso’s worth of dicks drawn all over their bodies.
Shit, I forgot to go on that liquor run. Oh well, I have extra hair on my balls and hate my liver, so this will do.
Gin drinkers are few and far between, but extremely easy to spot. Like your expensive whiskey drinker, they start the night off feeling classy. However, the majority of gin drinkers quickly take a pissed off detour. They are your other fair share of angry drunk, and can be seen criticizing others on absolutely meaningless things. “Dude, why’d you paint your walls red? Red is the color of pussy! YOU’RE A PUSSY!” The gin drinker is also not above name-calling, and poorly-executed cockblocking attempts. “Hey babe, hows things going at Beta Omicron Omicron Beta Sigma? HA, wanna dance?” Unfortunately for the rest of the party, gin drinkers typically have trained their liver to handle this abuse, and will be among the last to pass out.
I’m an affluent member of society, and want others to recognize that. “Hey Joe! Drinking Keystone again, huh? Niiice.”
These drinkers typically know their limits and tend to not cross them. They aren’t here to puke up their $200 liquor, they are here to enjoy it around attractive women. The fine bourbon and scotch drinker comes across as condescending at times, and he damn sure means it. He typically strays from the pack of the party and enjoys it with one or two targeted women. However, the moment this drinker caves into peer pressure and takes one shot too many, he becomes the ultimate shitstorm. His speaking soon turns into what you see on drunk sexts, and this man is on a horny mission. He will find his girl, and no one will stop him. Seemingly immune to rejection, he eventually will reach his goal. Whether he’s proud of it or not will be decided the next morning.
Thinking to self: “Man, Zach has really been working out lately…like REALLY. Look at those pecs…scrumptious. What I’d do for a bottle of whipped cream and some syrup right about n—” *Other Brother starts talking to Vodka Drinker and startles him.* “Woah! Hey there uh…whats going on? Taco bell? Nah, I’m…uh…busy.”
Owning vodka isn’t a sin. Most men proudly own a bottle they claim to be for girls to use with mixers. Most of them are telling the truth. As for the small minority that are lying, well, they have other things on their minds.
The Volcano Drinker
God, there are so many chicks here. WHY DID I FORGET TO BUY BOOZE? Its okay, its okay. I’ll just finish off the little bit in all of these bottles I have left. God, whiskey tastes terrible with brandy.
Like a suicidal maniac, the volcano drinker has one mission: get drunk. He’ll take his few remaining shots of everything in the cabinet, even though most of them blend like Chuck Norris at a Carly Rae Jepsen concert. He doesn’t care. He’ll continue taking the punches these shots provide until they are completely gone. Then he’ll cruise through the party sneakily hunting for any excuse to take a shot.
Other Brother With Girl: “Let’s take some shots and go dance”
Volcano Drinker: “DID SOMEONE SAY SHOTS?! I’M IN!”
Other Brother: “Okay…”
The volcano drinker will eventually reach the inebriated state he longed for. However, due to the insane mixture of Absinthe, Everclear, Tequila, Brandy and rubbing alcohol boiling in his stomach, the volcano drinker will inevitably burst and pass out in his own puke.