What Your Resume Really Says About You

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What Your Resume Really Says About You

If you’ve ever made a resume, you know that 90% of it is complete bullshit. Getting a real job is about connections, not gold stars and vague skills. A resume is a delicate veil of deception that separates you from all the other unqualified assholes waiting in line for a handout. For those of you who are unworthy of immediate employment, you should know what your resume really says about you.

Ivy League University
I’m better than you and it’s a waste of my time to explain that on a piece of paper. Just smile, shake my hand, and give me your job because you’re fired.

Private University
My parents have a lot of money and I’m a little weird because my biggest class consisted of nine people. I get really, really cheap drugs though. Just saying…

Public University (with NCAA teams)
Having fun was more important to me than an education. I gained valuable socialization experience by getting shit-housed with as many people possible. There were occasional orgies…and crabs. Lots of crabs.

Public University (without NCAA teams)
I graduated. Yay for me. That pretty much sums it up.

Community College
Look, I’m trying, okay?

GPA 4.0I got good grades because I think grades matter.

GPA 3.5I studied in college…occasionally.

GPA 3.0My GPA is a reflection of my BAC as a student. I put more effort into beer pong than I did into class. Luckily, I’m smart enough to get decent grades without exerting myself at all.

GPA 2.5I failed my entire freshman year. I was too busy having lascivious sex with strangers and snorting inhuman amounts of drugs to give a fuck about class. I don’t regret any of it, but I kind of need a job. Please? Please give me a job?

GPA 2.0You work for my dad and soon you’ll be working for me. (OR) It was nice to meet you, sorry for wasting your time, I’ll see myself out.

“Proficient with computers.”

I know how to Google shit and delete the porn from my browser history.

“Sales experience.”

I know how to work a cash register and ask if you want fries with that.

“Works well with others.”

I don’t feel the need to shoot everyone in the face with an assault rifle.

“Marketing experience.”

I can sell someone a bag of their own shit and sleep like a baby at night.

“Outgoing.”

I know how to find the clitoris and I don’t play video games…too much.

“Capable of putting myself into the shoes of others.”

I’m not a self-centered sociopath (OR) I steal shoes from strangers and prance around my house naked in them.

“Hardworking.”

I’m good at pretending to work when the boss is around.

“Self-motivated.”

Some say it’s a coke problem, but look how much work I get done. MORE MOTIVATION! ALWAYS DO MORE MOTIVATION!

“Detail oriented.”

They say the devil is in the details, so hail Satan!

“Excellent at public speaking.”

Indeed I did just say something that’s complete bullshit.

“Ability to research and present ideas.”

I can read good and do other stuff good too.

“Quick learner.”

I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, but I can do it if you show me how.

“Works well under stress.”

I’m an alcoholic.

“Good at trouble shooting.”

I crumple up problems and Kobe that shit straight into the wastebasket.

“Organized.”

The money’s in my bank account, the blow’s in my nose, and the whiskey’s in my stomach. Everything is in its place.

“Strong communication skills.”

I text people to avoid being disgusted by their stupid faces.

“Punctual.”

I’ll arrive at work exactly when I need to, and not one second earlier. At precisely 5:00pm I will be in my car, suckling my flask, leaving this shitty job in the rear view mirror.

“Team player.”

I hope to do as little work possible without getting fired. I’ll ride the coattails of mediocrity straight to the grave. Go team!

“Management/leadership skills.”

I know how to blame others when I make a mistake. I will fire everyone named “Johnson.”

“Fluent in Latin.”

Vedi, Vici, Veni. If you know what I mean, ladies.

“Fluent in Chinese.”

I know what the language of the future is, even though I won’t ever speak it in my lifetime.

“Fluent in French.”

I’m a pussy and I surrender.

“Fluent in Spanish.”

Puedo hablar con la gente pobre.

“Chuggybear@gmail.com”

I’m too lazy to set up a professional looking email account (OR) I’m too much of an alcoholic to care.

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