I spent the better part of the last 6 years convincing myself that I do, in fact, enjoy casually smoking marijuana with my fraternity brothers. Getting high made my unfunny friends hilarious, and made me feel like I really understood where Kid Cudi was coming from with his “Man on the Moon” album. But the inconvenient truth is this: the terrifying experiences I was forced to endure around 1 out of every 5 times I smoked made my life a living hell.
I have my suspicions as to why this may have occurred. Maybe there is a time and place for pot, and I was in neither the time nor the place. Maybe tolerance was a factor, considering the majority of my friends were raging potheads and I was constantly attempting to keep up with them as they crushed smoke out of empty 2 liter soda bottles. Whatever the reason, the panic driven, soul searching, “OH MY GOD I’M DYING” highs have finally led me to kick the habit once and for all. By no means am I attempting to sway any habitual smokers out there (to each his own), but I have come up with a foolproof list to help you realize that it might be time for you to take the last dance with Mary Jane.
If any of the following are constant or reoccurring symptoms that you experience while using Marijuana, I’m talking to you:
1. Thoughts about the inevitability of death and life’s futility become insurmountable in your mind.
Laugh now, asshole, but this symptom of marijuana abuse is a frightening truth for many of us. Many a time I have been stoned and convinced myself my remaining 60 years of life are going to be spent as a total and complete failure of a bum. With each unique experience I would draw up a different inexplicably dark fate for myself that would never turn out to be true, but I would do this for the remainder of my high, and it was exhausting.
2. If you interpret bad weather as a sign of the apocalypse (even if it is only momentary).
This too was an incomprehensible symptom of my impotency when it came to my brain’s ability to enjoy a good toke. Any strange yellow tint in the sky during twilight, or quickly moving clouds, could immediately send my mind into a totally unnecessary brainstorm about the end of the world.
3. If when high you’re high you constantly find yourself contemplating about who in the particular room you are in hates you.
Yes, this too is a reality for the frightful smoker. Whether it is someone who you just met before you lit up, or a friend you have known since kindergarten, the thought may cross your mind that this individual thinks you are a piece of shit and that your jokes are awful and your company is unbearable. While this may or may not be true, this mental coagulation (mind fuck) is not something you need to subject yourself to. If this is something you have ever experienced while smoking, do yourself a favor the next time the bud is passed your way, lower the joint and carry on.
4. If you start to believe that everyone knows the deepest, darkest most shameful secret you currently have tucked away in your mind.
Calm down. While it is possible that all of your friends know you recently purchased “Born and Raised” by John Mayer on iTunes, or that you cried the first time you and your girlfriend had sexual intercourse, the odds are they don’t. And even if they do, they aren’t thinking about it. And no, you thinking more about it will not make it more obvious to them that you are thinking that they are thinking about it. The human race is capable of many astonishing feats; telepathy is not one of them.
These are only a few of the tell tale signs, my friends. God made dirt, and dirt don’t hurt, but this is the devil’s lettuce. Every man knows that there can be too much of a good thing, and if you frequent any of these symptoms it is my official prognosis that it is time for you to part ways with the green stuff. Consult a friend, write about it in your journal, call a help hotline, do what ever it takes to run from these nightmarish experiences and no longer return to your vomit like a wild dog. Just don’t go overboard and tell your parents. They will overreact and sentence you to an unnecessary stint in rehab. Nobody wants that.