Where Are They Now? Your Fraternity’s Graduating Class, Five Years Later

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Graduation happens, even to the best of us. At some point you have to look yourself in the eye and say, “I’m going to pass Math 103 and walk across the stage this May.” College was the best four to seven years of your life, there’s no doubt about that, but what about after graduation? Not just for you, but for your other fraternity brothers. Here’s what some of those guys are doing now, five years after graduation.

The Ladies’ Man

In college he was just as his title sounds, a ladies’ man. It didn’t matter what night of the week it was, he was always bringing home some strange. Hell, sometimes he wouldn’t even bring her home, he just took her down in an alley behind the bar, or something.

Of course, The Ladies’ Man never had a girlfriend. Even the time he did have something similar to a steady slam, he was still juggling at least three other girls on the side. This guy would walk into the Walmart pharmacy on a Tuesday morning, and the pharmacist at the counter would ask, “The usual?”

So where is he now? Not too long after graduation, when he was faced with the harsh realities of the post-graduate world, The Ladies’ Man realized he wouldn’t be able to land attractive girls on any random night of the week because of things like “work,” and a quickly drying up talent pool. As soon as he met an attractive young lady who found him tolerable, he wifed her up. Now, five years later, The Ladies’ Man is married, has two kids, and makes it to Bed Bath & Beyond on the weekends, if time permits, of course.

The Perpetual Wingman

Nobody knows what it was about him, but for some reason, as his name alludes, The Perpetual Wingman could never close on an attractive girl. In fact, the only girls he ever hooked up with were the ugly friends of better looking girls already taken by other brothers. He was the guy who always jumped on the grenade, and he was good at it. Not only was he good at it, he was proud of it. Apparently, time changed him. He’s now engaged. His fiancé, much to everyone’s surprise, is an absolute smokeshow. Scholars will debate for years over how the hell he pulled that off.

Murphy

You know Murphy’s Law? That’s how this guy got his name. Anything that could go wrong, he made it go wrong. He was always the risk manager’s worst nightmare. If something broke in the house, it was a pretty safe bet to assume that he drunkenly destroyed it.

Who could forget the time he took the grandfather clock that had been in the chapter since 1926, filled it with fireworks, and blew it up at a tailgate? Then there was the time when he fought a cop, and won. Of course, there was the lovely time he poured Everclear down the liquor luge when Seward’s mom, a recovering alcoholic, was on the receiving end after telling her it was just ginger ale. To be fair, that was kind of her fault. Who has ever heard of someone doing a non-alcoholic liquor luge?

For the most part, everyone changes after college. People grow up, they mature, and they settle down. Murphy though…he took it too far. After graduation, Murphy dicked around for a while, never really held a steady job, and then finally decided to go back to school. A recent graduate from seminary, Fr. Murphy is coming to a church near you.

Tommy Boy

Take a common first name, follow it with a less common, yet easy to pronounce last name, add a Roman numeral to the end, and you have the Tommy Boy’s name. Like everything else in his life, he inherited it. You could always count on Tommy Boy to pick up the tab. After all, he had his old man’s Amex. Tommy Boy never cared about much in college. His family has a building named after them, as well as a scholarship. Tommy Boy got away with everything. The school was too afraid of losing donations from his family and their connections to ever give him any serious form of punishment.

While some of your other brothers changed greatly in the few years after graduation, Tommy Boy didn’t. He went to work in his family business, continued his drunken antics, and was never held accountable for anything. Of course, your alma mater refers to him as a “Distinguished Graduate.” As long as he keeps donating, he’ll get to keep that title.

Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Drunk

Some people are just born brilliant. I am not one of them, but for those lucky few, opportunities are endless. Dr. Jekyll took the hardest classes, had a difficult major, got great grades, and was pretty much the only thing keeping your house’s GPA above the minimum level. To do all this, he studied constantly. He was in the library, getting help from teachers, and probably using all the scholastic resources your chapter provides (Adderall and a test bank). During the week, you’d never find Dr. Jekyll at happy hour, nor was he ever down for a Monday night trip to the titty bar.

Come Thursday night, when his academic work week was over, Dr. Jekyll would turn into his alter ego, Mr. Drunk. Mr. Drunk was probably the most destructive force your college town had ever seen, next to Murphy, of course. His pent up need for relaxation turned him into a binge drinker with a high IQ. Because he combined all his week’s drinking into two or three nights, Mr. Drunk only got blackout drunk. He simply had no other drunken form. He’d be found passed out in his underwear on the lawn Sunday morning, only to wake up, get dressed, reemerge from his room as Dr. Jekyll, and head off to the library.

What does he do now? Nothing important really. He’s just involved in designing nuclear reactors. No big deal. He stays sober all week and tries to forget about the stress. Once five o’clock rolls around on Friday, it’s goodbye sobriety and hello Mr. Drunk.

The Jailbird

A lot of you have probably had a run in with the law. Maybe you had something like an open container charge, or public intoxication. Shit happens, right? There are some people though, who for some reason, can’t stay out of the drunk tank. The Jailbird is one of those people. He has been picked up and brought downtown so many times, he would probably knows the names of every officer at the station if it weren’t for the fact that he was heavily intoxicated every time they met.

Of course, The Jailbird never did anything too serious. He just had a little too much fun, and broke a rule here or there. Everyone makes mistakes. In fact, that’s how he makes his money today. The Jailbird still sees a lot of the court room. He just finished law school and is now a defense attorney in your college town, getting fines lowered and turning harsh penalties into community service. Supposedly, he gives a 10% fraternity discount. It’s good for business.

I just graduated, and like everyone else, I wish I had more time. Sadly, I, like you, one day, must go off to the real world of memos, meetings, and understanding Post Grad Problems.

No matter what you do after graduation, be it business, politics, more school, or something more unusual like, I don’t know, writing for TFM or flying Army helicopters (hell, why not both), cherish the time you had. Like everyone says, it’s the best four or five or six or seven years of your life.

Once you’re an alumnus, do your best to succeed in whatever you do. After all, we’re fraternity men. Success is what we do. Go forth and do great things. Remember the lessons you learned, be they from the pledge manual or from experience. Live the ritual. Give back to your chapter and school. Of course, always make sure to remind your school and your nationals that you give them a lot of money and that if any adverse actions are taken in regards to your house, you will stop all contributions and encourage others to do the same. It works.

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BlutarskyTFM (@BlutoGrandex) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems, the self-appointed Senior Military Analyst for TFM News, founder of the #YesAllMenWhoWearHawaiianShirts Movement, and, on an unrelated note, a huge fan of buffets. While by no means an athletic man, he was the four-square champion of his elementary school in 1997. When not writing poorly organized columns or cracking stupid, inappropriate jokes on Twitter, Bluto pretends to be well-read, finds excuses not to exercise, and actually has a real job.

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