Are you hitting dingers left and right? Or would you rather toss a few heaters? All these questions and more about your sex life can be answered by my fantasy baseball team. That’s right. Your wild and complex shenanigans can be whittled down to guys who play with balls for a living and get paid to do it. So, which MLB player describes your sex life the most?
The “Hit For Average” Player
You’re a good looking dude and you know it. You’re a solid 7.5. With the right personality, you might be able to net you a solid 9 or so. But, no — you’re more interested in raising that average than you are hitting home runs. Sure, you’ve got a few home runs, but, more importantly, you’re hitting well above .300, and that’s all that matters. You’d rather go to the party and bring back that girl that’s “not really fat but it wouldn’t really hurt if she lost a few lbs.” You’re fishing for 5s that are happy just getting attention. It gets to be hard work after a while, keeping up with all these extremely average girls you’re banging, but this is the life you chose. Don’t be ashamed, though. Some guys in a slump would kill for a chick that most would describe as frumpy, but you’re hogging them all for yourself. Keep doing you.
Verdict: Ichiro Suzuki
The “Swingin’ For The Fences” Player
Screw batting averages. Taking the safe route is for vegans and socialists, and you’re not about to degrade yourself like that. So, instead, you’re swinging for the fences no matter what. Yes, you’ve got some solid attributes of your own but you know what’s in your wheelhouse and what’s out of your league. You like to walk on the edge and holy shit does it pay off big time. You’re slamming 9s and 10s left and right, and you, a lowly 6, aren’t apologizing for it. Be careful, though, because you’re a streaky hitter. It could be weeks before your next hit, and, at some point, your BA will dip below the Mendoza line. Keep swingin’ though, slugger. Chicks dig the long ball.
Verdict: Todd Frazier
The “All-Star” Player
Bravo. Just bravo. You’re making this shit look effortless. When you’re not hitting homers, you’re getting your balls in the gaps and making them count. There’s nothing you can’t do. You’ve got the looks, you’ve got the personality, and people are already talking about how “legendary” you are at such a young age. That means you have a reputation though, and you’ve got to work hard to maintain it. Continue to plant those seeds and watch your pussy profits grow.
Verdict: Bryce Harper
The “Swing And A Miss” Player
You fucking suck. You might not be the ugliest shitbag in the entire world, but goddamnit do you have a punchable face. Just the thought of you being in the room makes people want to go to a different one. It’s like people had faith in you at one point and then you just shit in the punchbowl. Neigh — you ARE the turd in the punchbowl. Stop sucking.
Verdict: Colby Rasmus
The “Mowing ‘Em Down” Player
Hey there, smooth talker. The great thing about this type is you could be the ugliest son of a bitch on the planet, but your way with words makes the ladies swoon. You’re so good at what you do you could negotiate peace between Palestine and Israel, you could talk vegans into eating meat, and you could get Hillary Clinton to tell the truth. But no, you’d rather use your talents to bump fuzz with the hottest girl you meet. You’re freakin’ dealin’. Keep making those knees buckle.
Verdict: Clayton Kershaw
The “Whatever Works” Player
Your approach is unique and you never go the same route. Still, you’re doing your thing year in and year out, always yielding solid results. No one really knows how or why whatever you’re throwing is working, but it is. And, honestly, that’s all that really matters. Everyone wins.
Verdict: Bartolo Colon
The “Coming Up Clutch” Player
The heat of the moment. Bars close in 15 minutes. She’s on the edge of her seat. It’s been 45 whole minutes and she still can’t seem to figure out why she supposedly looks familiar to you. You don’t have class together, you’re from completely different cities. She’s starting to think you made that whole “you look familiar” thing up. But, alas, you pull out the heater. “You have Pearl Harbor on DVD Blu-Ray AND a dog?” she says. It’s game over. Now you’re a quick Uber ride away from Poundtown. You might be the biggest douchebag around, but you get results. There’s no need to change your approach.
Verdict: Jonathan Papelbon.
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