Over the weekend, I was asked this question: If I could pick one sorority to spend my college days with, would I rather party with the girls of Delta Gamma at Florida State, or would I prefer running with the smokes of Kappa Kappa Gamma at the University of Southern California. The question really fucked with my head. I began to think long and hard. It was so much in my head that I flubbed a chip on 13.
I had to sort through some thorough analysis of both sororities first. I couldn’t just nonchalantly throw out a sorority and roll with it. That’s amateur shit. When you’re a woman connoisseur like I am, then you know that this kind of decision takes time and deserves extensive research. Just like Jaws will spend hours upon hours studying one quarterback, I, too, spent hours upon hours dissecting each and every aspect of the two.
Here are my results (and a ton of pictures of hot girls because I like that stuff):
FSU Delta Gamma
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from Danny Regs (besides how not to hit a golf ball), it’s that there is Florida hot, there is California hot, and then there is the rest. The DGs are loaded with talent. That’s obvious. I failed to find one member of the squad that I wouldn’t put on my team.
Since I have absolutely zero idea about their personality, I am going to make a ton of assumptions here. These girls going to FSU knock down their wifeability a few pegs. I have nothing against FSU, but I have heard that parties are a higher priority than academics. Once again, not saying they have all these qualities, but perception is half the battle.
Most Notorious Member: Michelle Roque. You may remember young Michelle from her flag football skills. The way she twists and turns those hips on the field had my mind running, like what other things those hips could do.
USC Kappa Kappa Gamma
When you break down the KKGs, you’ll find that they all seem to share one glaring trait: attractiveness. It’s like their by-laws implicitly state that there are not allowed to be any average looking girls. That’s not the case because the best just want to go Kappa. You could toss a rock in the sea of Kappas and your chances of hitting a good looking one are as close to 100 percent as you can get.
USC is generally known as a pretty good academic school for all sorts of concentrations. You know that you’re going to get a girl with a good head on her shoulders. I would guess that the majority of these girls are looking to film. To me, I’m locking that down 10 times out of 10.
Most Notorious Member: Abby Hornacek. She is the goddess of all goddesses. When she’s not even trying to look good, she looks good. Plus, she’s a sports fanatic. I could talk to her for hours on end about sports and not get frustrated with her lack of knowledge. She knows her stuff.
Winner: USC Kappa Kappa Gamma. I can’t pick against my girl Abby. I mean that’s my future wife we’re talking about here. Plus, reports out of Tallahassee say that DG has fallen off a little in the past few years. USC KKG is on the up and up..
Editor’s Note by Dorn: This kid is high as a kite. FSU DG all day.