Our country is in crisis. This once great nation is crumbling, in danger of completely falling apart in front of our eyes and descending into a hellish anarchy, a disgusting wasteland complete with rampant cannibalism and lube-less anal. What can we do? How can save our nation before it’s far too late? Do we ban the phrase “it’s lit”? Do we publicly behead half of the Kardashians? Do we throw every G-Eazy CD into a landfill somewhere?
Of course. Those are all phenomenal ideas. Arguably the greatest ideas in the history of the universe, right after apple bongs and lesbian clown porn. But let’s start small. We can build up to those tasks but first we have a more urgent issue on our hands. Something we need to take care of IMMEDIATELY before it singlehandedly destroys modern society as we know it. We need to get rid of white dudes with cornrows.
Before I continue this important government statement, let me make one thing abundantly clear: I’m not bashing white cornrows because of political correctness. This is not another article where I’m attacking these men because it’s “cultural appropriation.” Are white man cornrows really “cultural appropriation”? I have no fucking idea. I don’t even know what cultural appropriation means. I think it’s an app that tells you the closest place to buy turtlenecks.
This has NOTHING to with political correctness or cultural appropriation. White dudes shouldn’t have cornrows because they look ridiculous. You look like you have roofies in your pocket and you think Applebee’s is fancy. You look like you drive a lawnmower to sketchy raves to go flirt with chicks that are 11 years younger than you while you dance offbeat to crappy Skrillex songs.
There’s only ONE man in the western hemisphere of the Caucasian persuasion who’s allowed to have cornrows, and that man is James Franco. And it’s only under ONE condition: if he’s filming Spring Breakers 2. And since his character (SPOILER ALERT) got murdered in the first one, this will never happen. Therefore, a white dude having cornrows is NEVER socially acceptable.
There are a few facts about white guys with cornrows. Facts that are absolutely 110% accurate all the time, as consistent as gravity.
– They all sell shitty ecstasy to 12-year-olds.
– They always (ALWAYS) have girlfriends that are under the legal age of consent.
– They all have severe drinking problems. Not a fun “haha Bob is such a wild guy” drinking problem, an annoying “Bob peed on my dog again last night” drinking problem.
Do you see what I mean? These men are menaces to society. If you’re a white fella with cornrows, please know that you smell like a skunk with unlimited greasy white tank tops and a coke problem. You look like you think Mac Miller is the greatest rapper of all time and you probably have never read a book, and don’t even know what the word “book” means.
You look like you can’t read. I don’t even know why I’m writing towards you, since you can’t read this. You’re probably staring at this screen looking for two O’s next to each other so you can pretend they’re boobs and you can stare at them and jerk off into your sweatpants.
O O. there you go, you sick fuck. You’re welcome.
In conclusion, white dudes with cornrows must be destroyed. They’re almost as terrible as Wally Bryton articles. If you’re white and you got cornrows, chop those off immediately. After cutting them off, burn them, put the ashes into a plastic bag, and shove that bag up your ass along with a pack of cigarettes and live dynamite. Then proceed to jump into a volcano while on LSD, letting out one last Funyun fart before your soul leaves your stinky body.
White dudes, cut it out with the cornrows..
Image via YouTube