Why Academic Testing Is Outdated

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Continual, positive change is something that the go-getters among us actively seek, and the sedentary take for granted. Its need has become a part of the human condition, being philosophized about by many of history’s greatest, as White Goodman would say, philosophizers.

Things do not change; we change. – Henry David Thoreau

You must be the change you wish to see in the world. – Gandhi

He who go to bed with itchy butt, wake up with stinky finger. – Confucious

Though change is necessary, it can sometimes be hard to adjust to. Take motion-sensor toilets, for example, which solved the societal problem of having to flush toilets by means of touching the bacteria-infested lever. Too often these days, however, I’ll be shitting into one of these toilets when, before I even get the chance to stand up, it will flush, violating my b-hole with a frighteningly cold toilet-water enema. All I wanted was a little time to stand up and admire my log before sending it down to goldfish heaven, but instead I have my sphincter pressure washed by doodoo water. Change took away something that I loved, but I’m comforted in knowing that, in the end, change is almost always for the better.

I’m here today to tell you about an area in the U.S. education system that needs drastic changing. That area is testing. No, not STD testing (the current system where I say “ignorance is bliss” and then don’t get tested is working out just fine for me), but academic testing, with its pointless exams, midterms, and finals.

The first reason I believe academic testing is outdated is because of the onset of performance-enhancing drugs. While I have never used prescription drugs such as Adderall and Vyvanse to help improve my studying, it’s common knowledge that their illegal use is widespread on college campuses. The media wants you to think that this is because some lazy ass college kids spend all night partying and then need to cram before their exam the next day. While this is partly true (it’s a TFM), it’s not the main reason why PEDs have made their way into schools. The problem is in academic testing.

If you go back and look at the syllabi for your classes, you’ll see that in many of them finals and midterms account for over 50% of your grade in that class. This means that your grade in each course, your GPA, and consequently your future, are decided by the series of academic tests you take in college. That is terrifying. If you fuck up on just one final, your GPA goes down faster than that Pi Phi girl who I let hold Pickles, our frat iguana. So college students, being the crafty devils that they are, tried to get an edge. They found that edge in ADD medication. We shouldn’t be subjected to a system where students feel the need to put their physical bodies at risk to make sure they can pass a mental test.

Furthermore, the age of technology in which we live has rendered academic testing pointless. Back before the internet, when you couldn’t find anything out about anything within seconds of thinking of anything, knowledge was important. It set people apart. With the onset of technology, however, it’s now less relevant than Ben Savage from Boy Meets World. What the hell has that dude been up to, anyways? If I was him, I’ll tell you what I’d be doing: furiously masturbating to the memories of making out with Topanga. Popped my first boner to her. What a great 15th birthday that was. Anyways, if you ask me a question that I’m not 100% sure about, odds are I’ll either tell you what I think the answer is and then confirm it by looking it up, or just look it up right away without putting any thought into it whatsoever. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, either. It prevents people from giving wrong answers and saves massive amounts of time.

That’s the major problem with academic testing. It doesn’t measure your knowledge or comprehension of a subject; it measures your memory of the subject. It’s so impractical. If in the real world, when you’re actually using the knowledge, you’d use a computer, why can’t you when you’re being tested on it?

Current academia is an outdated system designed to weed out the poor students in a non-technological world. If it doesn’t adapt to the times, qualified individuals who are incredibly proficient at what they do, but need technology to do it, will be looked over even when they’re far more suited for the job. We’re getting to the point where college students are those kids who have only ever known a technological world. Colleges need to realize this and do something soon. If they don’t, they’re just being ignorant. Academic testing is the itch in the collegial butt, and if they don’t scratch it now, they’ll wake up with an unsalvageably stinky finger.

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