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Why All Women Love Beer Guts

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Image via TerezOwens

As a dude in his twenties, I safely speak for women everywhere when I say that nothing revs a lady’s engine more than a nice layer of gooey saturation around her guy’s gut. Check your privilege, feminist crowd. I’ll have you know that some of my best friends are affluent males.

The older a guy gets, the more his metabolism is going down. Dare I say, our metabolism is even yelling, “Timber!” and women cannot help but find each added pound more irresistible. They’re called love handles for a reason.

Face facts, America. Chicks dig the beer gut and hate shredded abs. Here’s why.

Blubber Makes Your Gut Look Distinguished

The beer gut is like a fine wine: it only gets better with age. It has a real Clooney-esque gray hair quality to it. See, saturation is a tell-tale sign of maturation. The fatter you get, the more evident it is that this isn’t your first rodeo, and that you will do what you want, when you want, because you have confidence up to your double chins.

More Fat, More Tommy Bahama

It is the American Dream to be able to successfully pull off the short-sleeve button down. Not just anyone can rock the cloth of the gods. It takes a real commitment to degeneracy, excess, and gluttony to sport the Jimmy Buffett look, but damn is the payoff worth it. Why?

Just listen for the accompanying commotion the next time a guy more on the jolly side of life comes waltzing into the party wearing some Thomas Bahama. Are those female screams of “DIBS” you hear, or are they, “move out of the way, you tacky-clothed fatty?” Six of one, half dozen of the other, really.

Love Handles Mean You Aren’t A Douche

Do girls want a guy who spends more time in front of the mirror checking himself out than her? Of course not. They want a guy whose body says that he spent undergrad eating Pokey Sticks at 3 o’clock in the morning. In other words, a beer gut says that a man likes harmless fun, and clearly doesn’t care about himself. Kick that fear of being clingy right out the door from the get-go.

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J Parks Caldwell

J. Parks Caldwell is a senior contributing writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He frequently blesses the rains down in Africa.

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