Why Doggy Style Is The King Of Sex Positions

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Back in high school, my buddy Johnny broke up with his girlfriend after just a few weeks for a very specific reason. It had nothing to do with her personality, a weird birth mark, or her being overly attached. No, Johnny broke things off with this chick because she wouldn’t let him hit it from the back. She wouldn’t let him tap it doggy due to something called spina bifida. I’m no science major, so I can’t get into detail about what that entails exactly, but it was bad enough that she couldn’t take the D bent over a couch cushion. His exact quote when explaining the breakup has stuck with me ever since: “If you’re not doing it doggy, you’re not doing it right.”

Since those days, I’ve grown from a young, virgin calf to a beefed out, raging bull. I’ve had my share of girls who made me high-five myself in the mirror, and even more girls who made me reconsider whether I should drink again. I’ve done firsthand research, compiled the data, and I can say without hesitation that Johnny was absolutely right.

1. Lack Of Intimacy

If I just met the girl 30 minutes prior at a Skrillex concert, the last thing I want to do is passionately look into her eyes while I softly caress her body. No offense, but the only thing I know about you is your first name, and even that’s not guaranteed. It’ll be much more comfortable if we just fuck like animals. Doggy is primal in nature and avoids uncomfortable human traits like emotions and feelings. There’s a reason this is a go-to position for couples who have been together for more than two years.

2. Versatility

This position is a jack of all trades. It can literally be executed anywhere you can fit two people. The shower, the bathroom stall at the bar, the local Chipotle rooftop — your options are limitless. You can throw her leg up on the kitchen counter, do it on your knees, or have her back that thing up against the wall. Whether it’s a quickie or you’re taking her to Pound Town for an extended period of time, the amount of variety you get with doing it like a canine surpasses all other options.

3. Best Of Both Worlds

Doggy accommodates both tit connoisseurs and ass men alike. For the record, I’m an ass man through and through, so maybe I’m a bit biased in my train of thought. Obviously, this position gives you the best view of a shorty’s booty, but you can get equally engaged in the tit game by grabbing a handful or two at the same time. When you’re as easily distracted as I am, it’s good to have multiple toys to play with.

4. Common Ground

This is one of the “big three” positions that all girls are familiar with, along with missionary and cowgirl. Sure, it’s fun to switch things up, but suggesting some of the crazy, acrobatic shit you see on Pornhub the first time you’re getting down to business can scare off the chick and make her think you’re a sexual deviant. Nine times out of ten, she’ll be completely fine with turning around. That one other girl will think it’s degrading, but that chick’s such a prude, you honestly wouldn’t want to waste your time on her and her subpar sexual prowess anyway.

5. It’s One Of The Easiest Ways To Hit The G-Spot

I’m sure there are plenty of you lazy assholes who will disagree, claiming it’s way too much work and you’d rather just lay there and have the girl do her thing. Fair enough, but sitting on your ass and reaping the benefits of someone else’s work is a total GDI thing to do.

I welcome debate in the comments section.

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