Why Electronic Dance Music Sucks Donkey Ass

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Why Electronic Dance Music Sucks Donkey Ass

Ladies and gentlemen of the Greek community, we are in the midst of a horrific plague. No, I’m not talking about a repeat of the ‘09 herpes scare that left your house in nervous and itchy shambles (for future reference: sometimes it’s only a swarm of bed bugs getting a little too friendly). And for once, believe it or not, I’m not even speaking of about the endless scourge of vocal young liberals who plan to regurgitate their agendas until every privately owned weapon in the country is replaced with a sticky grape flavored blunt.

No my friends, this fast-spreading epidemic has nothing to do with genitalia or politics. This column is about a genre of music that is sweeping the ecstasy craving youth of America into a laser lit tornado. Today, we’re going to examine a few reasons this sweeping new craze of Electronic Dance Music is ruining the state of modern music one grueling fax machine squeal at a time.

Idiotic DJ Names

While this may not be the case for all of our readers, here in Florida it seems a new popular EDM “artist” springs up damn near every day. What do all of these goofy mismatches of humanity have in common? Besides the basic understanding of a computer program, these guys all seem to be have names that sound straight out of your neighborhood porn shop’s buttplug aisle.

You might think I’m just exaggerating this fact, but since you guys know I love lists, I’d like to show you just how right I am. Here are a few “artists” with names that sound more like sex toys, and trust me when I say there are more where these came from: Afrojack, Breach, Max Enforcer, Excision, Dirtyphonics, Mr. Skeleton, Gigamesh, Delta Heavy.

Okay, fine. You can’t judge an entire genre just because of a few DJ’s whose names sound like particularly menacing dildos. Luckily, I’m just getting started.

Drugs Are The Only Reason It’s Popular

We’ve finally arrived at the core of the laughably pathetic EDM scene. While so many fans are in denial about this universal fact, all we need to do is look at the reality of the situation. If most fans can’t attend a concert without snorting, popping, and smoking as many drugs as their self-loathing bodies will allow, maybe the genre isn’t all that good to begin with?

Of course the music sounds good when the rims of your nostrils are lined with pure, crystallized MDMA. I could play “Gangnam Style” in a room full of Mollied up EDM fans, and by the second verse I guarantee each and every one of them would be having the time of their lives. By the end of the song I could probably convince them the song was actually a symbolic anthem regarding the struggle of a divided Korea. Do all the drugs you want, they can be a hell of a time, but don’t let those substances convince you that this music is any better than listening to a glorified Mrs. Pac Man soundtrack.

The Only Instrument Is A “Play” Button

Have you ever seen what an EDM performer actually looks like during a concert? Typically he’s out there having a hell of a time: clapping his hands, popping champagne, sometimes even grabbing a little boobage during an impromptu crowd surf. You know what all of these things have in common? Someone who was actually performing music for you couldn’t fucking do them.

While the degree of activity varies by which DJ you’re talking about, every single one has a full mix kit in front of him with turntables and all sorts of other technology lacking any real purpose. Even the guys who seem most into it probably just have their MacBook stored away in the cupboard below. There is no such thing as “live” EDM music; there are only psychedelic laser dance parties.

It’s Almost All The Same

This final and most important point is also the one that will surely rustle the most jimmies of the pro-EDM community. I can hear them already.

“No way man, you can’t compare someone like DJ Blue Waffle to DJ Calisthenics. That’s like comparing apples and oranges soaked in LSD!”

Easy there, champ. Your dopamine receptors might be fried from your biweekly snorting sprees, but let’s take an honest look at the music here. Every single song follows the exact same format. From the generic (typically) female vocal sample in each song’s beginning, to the inevitable drum-snare-highhat buildup just before the drop, it’s safe to say that the first 60 seconds of every EDM song are just about identical. By the time the drop hits (and the entire crowd’s drugs come kicking in) the only thing that matters is giving the audience a fat bass-line combined with sounds that makes it seem like the entire room is connecting to AOL Dial Up for the first time.

***

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StuffFratPeopleLike

StuffFratPeopleLike (@StuffFratsLike) is a writer for Total Frat Move, and due to his crippling OCD and functional alcoholism he can only understand and write text when presented in a numbered list format. So you're all jerks for calling him out on it. He is a self described Huguenot, and commands a secret sexual fetish for angry internet comments. All shameless praise can be directed to: joe@grandex.co

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    • 16
      grosiers3

      I completely agree….I’m sorry every frat is blasting EDM like its going out of style….how about we get that stuck up nose out of the air.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago
    • 9
      Okefenokee Joe

      If anything, this article describes GDI’s perfectly. And there must be a bunch of California liberals on here tonight if people are upvoting this so much. I bet you have Monster posters all over your room. Electric Dance “Music” (I wouldn’t even call it dance because most people who listen to it are too inept/high to do anything besides stare) is shit without drugs. When people try to spend more money on “lights” than actual music then you know something is wrong with this country. I could do anything those “musicians” do, all I have to do is spend a couple hours in a basement, use that music program on Macs, and do GDI drugs and presto there’s your shitty music. Oh and then I have to hire a light man so he can put strobe lights in the show to make your shitty trip better.

      Just tell me this: What is frat about this type of hippy heady music? Girls don’t like it, its unAmerican, GDI’s love it, it takes no skill, and as SFPL said its all the same. If I want bass I’ll listen to rap, if I want talent I’ll listen to rock or country. If I want to be a shithead communist bitch I’ll listen to EDM.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago
    • -2
      Wallie

      As a fraternity man and a producer that has worked on projects ranging from country to hip hop to EDM I can safely say that people who believe that there is no skill required in the making of EDM are either ignorant or just plain stupid. Don’t get me wrong, there are things about the EDM seen that are hippyish and it is flooded with GDIs. But to outright say that an industry as large and as fast growing as EDM is solely fueled on drugs is just retarded. You clearly have no idea what you are talking about. You’re ignorance isn’t even worth this rebuttal.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago
    • -34
      SigNuMancin

      Most songs by our late “country artists” go by the same damn beat and rhythm. Country is hands down the most uneducated form of music entertainment.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago
  1. 366
    Ole_Frat

    I won’t bother writing out a long post that no one wants to read anyways, so I’ll just make it concise.

    “Yeah, well, that’s just, like, your opinion, man.”

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago
  2. 290
    GoldCupFrat

    EDM is the tits, drugs are the tits, raging is the tits. Dear lord sir you failed miserably at this column. Go listen to your Pitbull and One Direction you fuckin queer.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago
  3. 174
    JohnnieRobs

    WARNING: LONG WINDED, OPINIONATED COMMENT AGAINST A LONG WINDED OPINIONATED COLUMN AHEAD!!!
    As an avid “EDM” fan I can’t help to say that most of this is true…just like all other mainstream forms of any genre “sucks donkey ass” and can relate to all of the points. Rock and roll wouldn’t be what it was with out acid/coke/heroine/etc, rap without crack or weed, and country without tobacco, beer, and even weed. Obviously uninformed especially considering you contradict yourself by mentioning Dirtyphonics yet saying that there is no such thing as live EDM. There are many groups who perform with live instruments and full bands. Check out Zedd on Jimmy Fallon and Pretty Lights on Conan just to mention a few.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago
  4. 99
    Strictly Anal

    Saying you have to take molly to enjoy EDM because everyone does it at shows is like saying you have to be drunk to like country because everyone is drunk at country concerts (and if you go to a country concert sober you’re probably a serial killer). .Do you need it? No. Is it more fun if you do it? Yes.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago

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