I’d like to preface this one with a disclaimer: I am not a fashion designer. Man, it feels good to get that one off my chest. All I am is a guy who has some strong opinions and a keyboard, and I’d like to take some time out of your day to talk about a fashion epidemic that is making the beautiful asses of the world disappear, one by one.
If the title and that astoundingly subtle lead-in didn’t clue you in enough, I’m talking about the late-’80s craze of high-waisted shorts resurfacing on the rumps of college-aged girls everywhere. If the Bieber Fever epidemic has taught us anything, it’s this: just because something is popular, it doesn’t mean it’s actually a good thing. I’m here to explain why this high-waisted trend has become nearly as unwelcome as the Canadian pop icon himself.
Only Supermodels Look Good In Them
I know there are exceptions to every rule out there. If you REALLY think you know someone who can pull off the high-waist look, then please feel free to email me some photographic proof (firstname.lastname@example.org). For the vast majority of girls, however, this fashion statement just doesn’t cut it.
Sure, the smoking hot supermodels of the world have the ass/breast/waist ratio to make this look happen, but chances are most girls on your college campus don’t come anywhere close. There are plenty of other trendy clothes to wear that don’t make you look like a two-year-old who is overconfident in his potty-training abilities. Let’s leave the “I’m a big kid now!” style pull-ups to the toddlers.
Your Homemade Pair Looks Even Worse
Look, I get it. It sounds like a great idea in theory. You head down to Goodwill, pick up the most mom-tastic pair of jeans you can find, and spend an afternoon slicing, dicing, and acid-washing until you’re left with a seemingly fashionable pair of chest-chokers. If only it were that easy. In most cases, the end result of this scissor-session looks more like your dog went on a destructive rampage in your closet.
If you’re going to ignore my advice and still rock the high-waisted look, the least you can do is own it with a pair of professionally made shorts. There’s a reason that some random 48-year-old gave away those hip blasting abominations. She sure as hell didn’t expect them to be transformed into a $3.50 crafting project for a sorority girl on a budget. Remember ladies, just because you can craft up an amazing cooler, it doesn’t mean you’re quite ready to make a fashion statement with a highrise pair of decade-old Levi’s.
They Make Great Asses Disappear
This is a magic trick that David Blaine couldn’t even pull off, yet these mom jean enthusiasts shock crowds with no sleight-of-hand or magic words required. The second almost any well-proportioned gal fastens that ribcage choking waistband, she might as well proclaim, “Now you see it! Now you don’t!”
Before the feminists start blasting me on Twitter, I realize that not every item of women’s clothing is made for the sole purpose of enticing sexual interest from men. But come on, ladies. These might be hip right now, but they aren’t doing your natural blessings any favors. As the old adage goes, “If you got it, flaunt it, and don’t hide it behind a lung choking tribute to trendiness.”
They Remind Us Of Our Grandmothers
First and foremost, I love my grandma. She’s a phenomenal cook, a great person, and writes one hell of a $12 birthday check every year. I just think the categories of “people I want to have sex with” and “my parent’s mother” should never have this much crossover.
It’s a scientific fact that the older a person gets, the higher up their waistline ultimately becomes. It’s like the opposite of the effect that gravity ultimately holds over your nipples. Why speed the process along on your 65-year journey to the old lady lifestyle by dressing like one now?