Why Luke Bryan Is Terrible

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Nice Move

If you haven’t been keeping up with the news lately, there’s a fresh new country music beef that puts Biggie and ‘Pac to shame. Zac Brown recently went on the record stating that Luke Bryan’s new single “That’s My Kind of Night” is “The worst song [he’s] ever heard.” While I’m by no means the biggest fan of Luke Bryan, this is a pretty bold claim.

Is Luke Bryan worse than Rebecca Black? Carly Rae Jepsen? What about Miley? Who am I kidding, I fucking love that new Miley joint. But I digress. Surely Luke Bryan couldn’t have created the worst song in history…then I listened to it. It’s overflowing with so much generic pop-country insignificance that I literally wanted to stab my eardrums into a bloody pulp with the sharpest instrument I could find. It’s that bad.

This got me thinking. I have pretty low expectations for Luke Bryan, a.k.a. Captain Generic, but in the past few years he’s stooped to a whole new level of mediocrity. While his early songs were at least decent, the moment he found his claim to fame he degraded into a moronic spew of predictable lyrics and became the definition of the lowest common denominator. Don’t believe me? Let’s look at the facts.

He’s a Fame Whore

Sure we can make this claim about many popular music artists these days. I can’t really blame him for trying to be successful, but the fact that he’s regarded as a hot name in country and has won multiple awards for his “talent” is truly upsetting. I’m not here to start an argument over who the legitimate country artists of our day are, but Luke Bryan shouldn’t be anywhere near that category. He should get a back row balcony seat at the CMAs, not get a chance to step on stage multiple times.

This is the guy, after all, who wrote a song about sororities solely to get the “OMG THAT’S MY HOUSE!” reaction at his concerts. Sure, I can’t blame him for being a capitalist and pandering to the kinds of people that cream their panties every time they hear his name mentioned. He just happened to give up any chance of earning my respect in the process.

Most of His Songs Are Female Masturbatory Aids

Every time you hear a Luke Bryan song on the radio, chances are there’s a lonely single woman out there vag deep in a 12” lump of vibrating silicon. And why wouldn’t she be? With old Luke belting out lines like “If she ain’t a 10 she’s a 9.9,” it’s enough to get any girl fantasizing. When you look at the songs from a normal non-estrogen viewpoint, however, you notice something a little different.

Most of the songs he puts out are nothing more than variations of “I’m the perfect gu. Don’t you wish you had someone like me?” Luke Bryan is basically doing the same thing Disney Princes did to the girls of our generation as children: absorbing them into some complete bullshit ideal for what a man should be. Despite what my feminist readers may think, I’m all for treating your woman well. Ladies, I’m sorry, but even if we love you, most of us aren’t going to deck ourselves out in tight jeans and belt out recycled lyrics about how you “make our speakers go boom-boom.” What the hell does that even mean?

He Completely Changed Once He Got Famous

Confession time: in the early days of Luke Bryan, I thought he wasn’t half bad. “All My Friends Say” and “We Rode in Trucks” were both legitimately good songs that I didn’t mind hearing. Luke’s next moves are a little tougher to stand behind. Since those first two singles, a majority of his next batch of popular songs were nothing more than love anthems. Sure, some artists evolve as their music progresses, but your boy LB decided to devolve into a cheesy country music sex symbol.

At this point, he’s basically just a below average pop star in a tight plaid shirt. Yes, I’m pretty jealous of the idiotic amount of money he must have made, but plenty of country music stars stuck to their roots and ended up being just as successful. This dude is 37 years old and still sings almost exclusively about college life. When your most recent album is filled to the brim with nothing but party songs and the aforementioned masturbatory aids, it’s time to step up and reevaluate your value as a musical artist.

His Lyrics Are as Generic as it Gets

I’ll let Luke speak for himself in this category.

“I’d gave that DJ my last dime
If he would have played it just one more time”

“You got that sun tan skirt and boots
Waiting on you to look my way and scoot
Your little hot self over here
Girl hand me another beer, yeah!”

“Was it the wine or the moonlight glow
or the way we were dancin on that old dirt road”

“If you wanna call me, call me, call me.
You don’t have to worry ‘bout it baby.
You can wake me up in the dead of the night;
Wreck my plans, baby that’s alright.”

What a pussy.

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