Why Russia Should Become The Soviet Union Again

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Why Russia Should Become The Soviet Union Again

I will never forget the moment in the 2012 presidential debate when Mitt Romney stated that Russia was our biggest geopolitical foe, and Obama basically scoffed at him. Granted, Mittens didn’t have the international pedigree that many presidential candidates do, but it blew my mind that Obama was so dismissive of something that anyone who had a decent working knowledge of international relations would know is abundantly clear. Obama’s not an idiot, and he was still the acting president, so I have to imagine that he skirted that particular topic for diplomatic reasons, but the fact remains that Russia was definitely the rising swinging dick that we needed to worry about, and the last four years have only proven that to be true.

China is on the rise, but its economy and internal political structure seem to be trending in a positive direction, and it is too reliant on a powerful United States for us to be worried. Russia, on the other hand, is running its area of the world like a drunk uncle who’s still pissed about losing a Super Bowl game 30 years ago. I’m not one to wish for all of the bad things related to the Cold War, bloated military spending, proxy wars, and the constant threat of nuclear annihilation and such, but if we’re already trending toward a new geopolitical rivalry with Russia, then I’m pitching that it should just go full-on crazy and rebrand again as the USSR. There are many reasons for this.

Sports are obviously the first. U.S. interest in international competition is at an all-time low. Sure, the World Cup has become more popular, but that’s only a single event that occurs once every four years. I need more. The Summer Olympics aren’t competitive. We obliterated everyone in the medal count last time around, despite China’s best efforts. The Winter Olympics are even worse. They’re more competitive, certainly, but it doesn’t even matter–popularity is so low that the committee is struggling to even find countries willing to host. The Winter Olympics used to be a juggernaut when we were toe-to-toe with the Soviet Union. It was the one time that Americans got up for sports that the vast majority of us didn’t follow, let alone participate in. And how great was it to watch the red, white, and blue take the ice, facing off against Commie red? Lake Placid was the greatest USA-Soviet Union rivalry win next to the damn moon landing for Christ’s sake.

Speaking of which, what happened to space? I mean, sure, we had the Mars rover and we just landed on a moving comet, and…wait, what’s that? Oh right, the fucking EUROPEANS did that. Really, guys? The country that made “Armageddon” a box office smash couldn’t pull off doing it in real life? What a joke. Yeah, apparently we’ve got more Mars shit coming up, but who cares? We’re lackadaisical about space now, because the race is off. Can you imagine how much better it would be to have the first manned mission to Mars before the Soviets? It’s the RED planet! The irony alone would be worth it.

You know what else gets better with a renewed Soviet Union? American action movies. The Soviets are the best movie villains, hands down. Sure, the Nazis are better on an individual movie basis, but you’re hampered by the fact that in order to have Nazis as your bad guys, your movie has to either be set somewhere between 1930 and 1945 or in some weird sci-fi world, in which the Nazis managed to survive. The Russians were great movie villains because they worked in modern day. Plus, there are so many ways to portray them. There’s the typical USA versus USSR surface level conflict, the “rogue faction of the Soviet military” bad guys, the KGB spies, and, of course, the non-governmental Russian mob, which was always more powerful in the post-Stalin political structure. I’m just tired of terrorists. They don’t interest me. Kooky Russians who don’t give a fuck are always more interesting than ideological morons who consider spraying their own body parts in a crowded market to be a viable military tactic.

I’m not saying that everything about the Cold War was roses–just that if we’re already dealing with Putin as a beautifully terrible dictator, then we might as well get the benefit of calling them “fucking Commie bastards.” I hope Vladdy is reading this, and seriously takes it under consideration. He’s going to have some trouble keeping his people on board for his more ambitious plans for expansion, so getting everyone to rally around the hammer and sickle again isn’t a half bad idea for him. Come on, Poots. Give it a shot. You know you want to.

Image via Wikimedia

Sterling Cooper is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems. He has never understood why people like sand, and has been in a bitter ten year rivalry with Muggsy Bogues, for reasons neither of them choose to reveal.

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