It happens every now and again. After an aggressive blackout, you wake up with a headache that feels like an axe wound to the scalp. You make the decision to actually move your body and do something about the situation, but you realize the pillow you’re sleeping on has a zebra print pillowcase and the blanket you have wrapped around yourself like a homeless mummy has bright pink frills. After observing the “live, laugh, love” vinyl wall print, you finally realize you are not currently located in your own bed. You look next to you, see a long mane of blonde hair and a bare back, and you finally confirm your theory.
You just shacked.
When I think of shacking, I think mainly of Saturday mornings in the house when girls attempt to make a crafty escape. This would, of course, be inevitably thwarted by the already awake brothers who heckle the girls for daring to use their house as a personal Holiday Inn.
However, as of late, I’ve begun exploring the incredible frontier that is reverse shacking. I used to be one for always bringing the night’s prospect back to my own place since I felt comfortable being in my own domain and keeping my filthy sexual exploits contained within my own private space. But now, after a row of trips into the field and nights wanting to go pretty much anywhere other than my roommate-infested apartment after the bars close, I’ve taken a liking to going back to a girl’s spot and giving her the whiskey-fueled half chub aggression in her own bed.
Recently I have noticed an uptick in the amount of shacking that my friends and I are doing. I may have been the one hosting girls back in the day, squeezing them in on my twin XL in the dorms and fraternity house after an unsuccessful attempt to give them the post-coital boot, but my game has changed recently. I have noticed that sex at a girl’s place tends to be substantially more pleasant and relaxed than at my own, and the whole process of the night runs a lot smoother.
It may not seem very masculine for a girl to host a guy for sex. Some guys I know refuse to fuck a girl anywhere other than in their own bed, for some kind of obscure dominance-related reasons. I, however, reject this hypothesis, seeing as I have enough empirical evidence to know that banging a girl at her place comes with a lot of benefits.
Girls’ beds are comfortable.
This tends to be very true not only on campus, but also all across America. I have yet to sleep at a girl’s place whose bed is not like sleeping on a cloud made out of chinchilla fur and orgasms. Girls’ places are generally clean, nice, and have an all-around comfortable feel.
Have you ever been to a sorority house or a female-inhabited apartment that didn’t look like it was straight out of a Good Housekeeping catalog? Probably not, because girls do a hella good job at keeping their places clean and inhabitable.
This, of course, spills over to their sleeping spaces. I’m not sure what motivates girls to turn their beds into frilly cocoons of comfort, but they do it the right way. Trust me when I say most college girls’ sleeping spaces will make your excuse for bedding look like a glorified newspaper and a cardboard box fit for a Brooklyn hobo.
You are entering the realm of a gender whose use of super-soft sheets and blankets, as well as a double digit amount of pillows, is not regularly stigmatized. They also tend to take it upon themselves to wash their sheets when jizz stains are present. Take full advantage.
Sex at a girl’s place is tight game.
Like any healthy and naturally behaving human, women are wary when they go back to your place for the first time because it’s a new environment. Even if you live in an apartment and have your own room, the unfamiliarity of the surroundings can provoke feelings of discomfort. This isn’t optimal if you’re trying to get in a relaxing game of ham pocket spelunking. And God forbid if you live in the house — the constant fear that a blacked out brother will come bursting into the room like a coked up Kramer can put a damper on the whole experience.
When you bang a girl at her place, things are much different.
It’s her place, so let’s hope she’s actually comfortable being there. You’re a dude, so hopefully you don’t have a group of people killing the mood by constantly interrogating you about your whereabouts like she most likely would do if the situation was reversed.
If she lives in a dorm or a sorority house, the whole “oh shit, we may get caught by my roommate” situation can actually make it a lot hotter since girls get off on that shit for some reason. I don’t understand it.
You can also pull some crafty moves. Fuck her all over her room. If she lives in an apartment and her roommates are gone, fuck her in the kitchen. Lift her up on the counter and lay pipe. Take her to the bathroom and play hide the frock over the sink while you point at yourself in the mirror like an out-of-shape Patrick Bateman.
Plus, if her roommate does end up walking in, you can always throw the 80-yard Hail Mary bomb for a threesome.
It gives you a place to escape to.
Have you ever had a test or a presentation early in the morning that you were prepared for, only to have a faction of brothers in the house or your roommates decide that getting hammered on this particular Tuesday night is an outstanding idea? While I love drunkenly kicking down doors as much as the next guy, it can get a bit old when you are woken up for the third time that night to what sounds like Ndamukong Suh dropkicking your door.
If you did a good job in following through on the first few tips, then this situation is easily rectifiable. Make the call, grab your backpack, and head on down to your free hotel.
Girls tend to outsource most of their partying, so it’s pretty safe to say that going to a chick’s place will yield a quiet place to actually sleep. There won’t be a constant threat of being forcefully ripped out of your peaceful slumber by whatever functioning alcoholic you live with.
There is nothing wrong with a good shack, and when done strategically, it can actually significantly improve your quality of life. Embrace it..