Why Spring Break Should Last All Month

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We feel your pain. Your head still hurts, those bruises haven’t quite healed yet, and there are at least six separate symptoms that leave you wondering if a trip to the infirmary is in order. WebMD says it might be an aneurysm. We think it’s just the Spring Break blues.

That’s why we think that one week of Spring Break just isn’t enough. After hundreds of classes, dozens of assignments, and hours of lectures, we all deserve a little more freedom than a single week could ever provide.

The justifications for an extended Spring Break are clear, and we believe that by the end of this column even the staunchest Dean of Student Affairs will throw his fist in the air and mark his calendar for the month of glory ahead in SB 2k17.

Classes Before Break Are Worthless

Can any of you honestly remember a single lesson from the two weeks prior to Spring Break? Your professor could have revealed the secret of human existence the day before your plane took off, but there’s no way you absorbed a single shred of that knowledge. On the off chance you actually did learn something, there’s a 98% probability that you violently murdered those brain cells after downing you’re 37th consecutive Natty Light.

Classes After Break Are Even More Worthless

It’s undeniable. Look at yourself right now: you’re either sitting in class contemplating the pros and cons of suicide, or skipping a class contemplating the pros and cons of permanent residence in Cabo. Either way, you sure as hell aren’t paying attention, and with Easter weekend right around the corner you’re at least a month away from your next productive accomplishment.

Missed Networking Opportunities

Think about it. Right now we’re only sharing our Spring Break week with roughly 25% of colleges in the country. If 25% isn’t enough to pass Biology 1001, how could it be enough for the Spring Break? With so many voices and perspectives across the USA, shouldn’t we be blessed with the opportunity to share this glorious moment with all of them? I’ve never met a single soul from North Dakota, but with a month-long Spring Break I’d be able to penetrate that gap in my life several times over.

Stimulating The Economy

We are literally the reason hundreds of coastal towns even exist. Do you think anybody wants to spend time in bumfuck Alabama for any other reason? In countless cities where Tinder’s “Mutual Friends” feature is replaced by “Mutual Relatives,” business owners depend on Spring Breakers to give purpose to their lives outside of stabbing frogs, wrestling alligators, a ritualistic sacrifices to Nick Saban. Just look at what happened to Panama City Beach this year. What was once a Mecca of collegiate debauchery is starting to look a lot like the actual country of Panama.

Expanding Our Cultural Horizons

Studying abroad isn’t for everyone, but Spring Break definitely is. What other opportunity do a bunch of broke college students have to experience the mystical foreign cultures of places like Mexico, the Bahamas, and other exotic locales? One week just isn’t enough to explore the cultural beauty of every back alley that a menacing dude named Tito has to offer.

Chemistry Lessons

There is no better opportunity to explore the chemical reactions between benzoylmethylecgonine and methylenedioxyphenethylamine than Spring Break. Throw a little lysergic acid diethylamide into the mix and you’ve got a real party. Who needs beakers and bunsen burners when you’ve got a briefcase full of chemical compounds, your best friends, zero responsibilities, and a whole lot of sunshine?

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