Why The Kate Upton “Topless” Video Is Complete Horse Shit

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TMZ, the rat bastards that they are, posted the below tweet around 3:35pm CST today. It was their third tweet of the day about a video featuring a “topless” Kate Upton, although this was the first one containing a YouTube link (the previous two linked to their website, using their own video player). You’ll see why they embedded a YouTube link in just a minute.


As you can see, they tease with a description of everyone’s favorite American made, large-breasted supermodel, Kate Upton, saying she appears in a video on a horse with her very famous Hindenburgs out in full view, as God intended them to be. TMZ even goes as far as to say she is “SUPER TOPLESS,” just like that, in all caps. I clicked it, along with millions of other curious Americans, expecting to see just what they described: a super goddamn topless Kate Upton.

She was topless alright, only her nipples were covered with digitized stars. Censored as fuuuuuuck. As any male from the age of seven and on can attest to, if there’s no nip, she’s not topless. This is day one nudie surfing stuff. Everyone knows it. It’s how I’m allowed to post this photo without getting in trouble with my editor:

kate_upton_gq_bikini_popsicle_july_2012_6

Technically speaking, she is topless, but really like who gives a shit? We can’t see her nipples. We want those nips. Gotta have ‘em. That’s not only irresponsible journalism. It’s mean journalism. I am currently under the impression that the TMZ office is filled with a bunch of assholes, and I think that’s fair. They even posted a smug ass video on their site that shows two asshole TMZ employees watching the uncensored version, and their reaction to viewing the most coveted American tits in all the land. Just rubbing it in our faces, man.

Now, let’s take a closer look at the image up top, a screenshot from the embedded YouTube video posted by TMZ. See that?

Screen shot 2013-06-20 at 3.55.25 PM

Screen shot 2013-06-20 at 3.55.09 PM

Screen shot 2013-06-20 at 3.54.54 PM

Screen shot 2013-06-20 at 3.54.38 PM

Screen shot 2013-06-20 at 4.00.03 PM

You want to know how irresponsible TMZ is? How badly they tease? How fucked up and twisted their sense of humor is? How many little American perverts they are purposely giving blue balls? Go ahead and play the video that’s embedded in their tweet, then click that pop-up box that says, “Watch the Uncensored Video.” See what happens.

There are countries out there that would saw hands off for shit like this, TMZ. The hell is wrong with you?

[via TMZ]

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Roger_Dorn

Roger Dorn (@RogerJDorn) is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. He's a native Texan with a full head of hair and knows his way around a nice box of red wine. Dorn graduated (BBA) with a GPA sitting in the meaty part of the bell curve, not lagging behind, but not trying to show off, either. Golf is his game now. He's long off the tee but can't putt for shit. Email: dillon@grandex.co

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  1. 4
    Real Clayton Bigsby

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    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago

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